Now I’m really wondering why I ever stopped going. That was well and truly awesome.
We caught up from when I’d last been in and I got him up to speed on what’s been going on. He agrees that it’s time to eliminate Josh from the picture. I told him I’m just not sure I’m strong enough right now to do this. He suggested that I keep seeing him for regular therapy appointments and we’ll work on getting me strong.
When I got home I told Josh I was done with his shit. I told him I realize I’m at least partly to blame for what’s been going on but that I really just can’t do it anymore. Things either get better, fast, or I file for divorce. He looked like someone had just killed his puppy in front of him. I’m done though, I can’t take any more of this stress. We ended up “talking” off and on all fucking night. He pretty well insisted we have sex even though I told him I wasn’t interested. I got the last laugh though – the lousy sonofabitch wasn’t able to get an erection. I really do think the end is coming sooner rather than later.
The biggest problem right now is that I’m really not sure I’m strong enough to do this. I’m afraid that I’ll kick him out and then a week later change my mind. And I can’t do that. When I make my decision it has to be final. My mom has already told me that once he leaves our house he isn’t welcome to come back. Actually she said no one is welcome to come home with me anymore. Looks like it’s going to be time to find my own apartment. But without Josh in the picture I’ll actually have money to do that.
The thing that really got me last night was that almost the entire time Josh and I were talking he refused to look at me and he wouldn’t touch me – not even when I was crying. Now I’d think if someone was telling me they wanted a divorce and I really didn’t want them to do that, I’d be reaching out and trying to hold their hand or something and trying to sneak kisses just to remind them that I really loved them. Nope, he just sat there and stared off into space. I don’t think he actually does love me anymore, I think he just says it.
I also told him last night that I know he loves the beer more than he loves me or his daughter. He didn’t say anything about that. If he wasn’t so in love with the beer he’d be able to give it up, but he won’t. I told him when he drinks in front of me like that that it makes me feel like spending time with me isn’t important at all. He just gave me a disgusted look.
Here’s another thing that gets me – I asked him why he really wants to stay married to me and he can’t tell me. “I told you once already, that’s good enough.” Oh really. So I’m really left thinking I’m just a meal ticket.
Tonight he’ll be getting the beer again. He made some kind of noise yesterday about “trying” not to drink while the brat is there this weekend. I’d be willing to bet that doesn’t happen though. I’m just waiting to see what kind of problems he can start tonight. I’m here to tell you, I’m not putting up with it anymore. If he starts in on me tonight or causes problems, he’s out first thing in the morning. Too bad if he’s supposed to have a visit with the brat, that’s really just not my problem.
I’m trying to think ahead to what I can do to minimize the issues this weekend. I’d really like to just call the ex and tell her we’ll have to reschedule. I don’t think having the brat around is going to make any of this mess any easier to deal with. I’m for sure that Josh would flip his shit about that though. I’m kind of thinking I’ll just spend my time down in the basement working on butterflies. That’s a nice non-offensive thing to do I think. Of course I’m sure he’ll try to tell me that I can work on those upstairs where they are. But he’ll have to be working on his English paper at some point considering he didn’t get anything done last night. That probably was my fault this time. But you know if he wasn’t planning on getting plastered tonight he’d have plenty of time to do it then. But no. I’ll be curious to see how he pulls off getting things done this weekend with the brat there. I have absolutely no intention of playing “mom” this time.
The really fucked up part of all of this is that sometimes I am just dead sure that getting rid of him is the absolute best thing to do. And then I talk to him and he’s just the tiniest bit sweet and I think, maybe there’s hope. I actually asked T-bone about it yesterday, whether or not he thought Josh could change and be a better man. He said he’s probably capable of it, but he can’t see him ever putting in the effort to make it happen. And I think he’s right. When you get down to it, Josh is probably the laziest person I know. He’s also the most self-centered. He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong, so why should he have to change? He honestly thinks that all of our problems would be solved if I could just figure out how to wake up in a good mood every day and stay in a good mood. As if I have a fucking choice. Because really, it’s not as if I wake up and say to myself, “today I think I’ll just be a raging bitch all day! Won’t that be fun!”
I’m trying to be decent this morning, more because I’m trying really hard not to take any more Klonipin than anything else. He started to get a little snippy with me and I just decided to ignore it. I waited about 30 minutes and then said something pleasant. Not sure if I can make this work all day, but I suppose it’s worth a shot. I have come to realize that he isn’t the only one who will have to put some effort into this if it’s going to work. I just kind of feel like I do damn near everything in the relationship as it is.
T-bone says I’m too fucking nice – his words. He also told me I need to figure out how to get out of this situation before something bad happens to Josh and I end up being stuck pushing his grumpy ass around in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Apparently he has another patient who was in a similar kind of marriage and that’s exactly what happened to her. And now she really won’t leave the bastard because he “needs” her. I really don’t want to see that happening to me.
I told Josh last night that I really wish he’d just go ahead and beat me. Beat me so bad I end up in the hospital. Because then I’d finally feel 100% justified in filing for divorce. He just kind of looked at me. I know the thought has crossed his mind before. He’s laid hands on me in the past. I just think that if he could get off his lazy ass and do something utterly terrible that I’d have no problem leaving him. Right now I’m stuck in that place where the marriage is too bad to stay, but not bad enough to leave.
The mood continues to do really weird things. I was pretty well in control for most of the conversations with Josh. I kept myself very rational and calm. Once we started having the sex debate and all of that mess I got kind of heated. I just couldn’t understand why if I said I didn’t want to he’d keep pushing the issue. I’ll be curious to see what happens today.
I teach this morning, in just a few hours. It’s an old class, one I’ve taught several times before. I think I have a whole 4 people signed up. I was tempted to cancel it – we normally require 5 to hold a session – but I figured this was pretty close. The interesting thing will be to see how many of them actually bother to show up. I’m kind of hoping I’ll be done in time to talk to Josh at lunch, but only kind of.
This afternoon we have some other training thing going on. Doesn’t sound like it should be too difficult. I think we’re more just on hand for a group of faculty to ask questions about the one system I support.
After I get off work this afternoon I’m going to get my hair trimmed and my eyebrows waxed. That’s pretty well the only “beauty” stuff I ever spend money on. Well, that and pedicures. I really like my hairdresser. My mom has started seeing her, too. I look forward to our visits.
I’d like to say that I’m looking forward to the weekend and some time to relax, but I don’t like to be a liar. I plan to just try to keep myself busy and attempt to stay out of trouble. I’m going to focus on the chores and making those butterflies and staying the hell out of Josh’s way. Wish me luck.
ps – Even with all of this unbelievable bullshit, I STILL haven’t smoked.