chaos, BE GONE!!!

Tags

anxiety, crochet, getting healthy, life, mental health, moods, music, normal, quitting smoking, random shit that falls out of my brain, school, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Ok so, um, I did not exercise this weekend.  I was busy cleaning shit.  Not literally, more like tearing apart the coat closet and reorganizing it, cleaning out my car – all the way this time, organizing some stuff in the garage, cleaning out the fridge…  I’ve come to the realization that if I’m surrounded by chaos and clutter, my brain gets very unhappy and refuses to work properly.  And honest to squirrels, part of me getting healthy is taking care of the mental health stuff.  Getting rid of unnecessary stress falls squarely into that category.

Anyway, the house looks super.  We finally unpacked a little battery operated fountain Josh’s sister gave us for Christmas and set it up on the long dresser.

isn’t it cute?

About a million years ago I crocheted the doily it’s sitting on.  It had been living on my nightstand until I knocked over a cup of red fizzy water last week.  Fortunately we had a stash of Oxyclean on hand and it really did work to get the whole stain out.  Praise the almighty ceiling cat for truth in advertising.

This morning I’ve been trying to get ahead on the stuff I know needs to be done for the coming weeks.  I’ve sent class notices for my next 4 sessions, gotten the flyer for those updated and printed, got the flyer for the 2 after that updated and a copy printed as a proof, cleaned up some old files, downloaded all of the files I need to print for my grad class, cleaned up my inbox, cleaned out my mini-fridge, eaten lunch, and handled various issues that have come in.

I’ve only smoked 2 cigarettes since I’ve been here.  I am contemplating going out again, especially since it’s so nice out today, but I don’t feel as though it’s an urgent need.  Thinking this is really good.

So I’m getting ready for my next class which starts on Wednesday.  This is Information Design and it’s taught by the same wingnut that taught the class last summer.  Some of the readings are even the same, which is pissing me off.  I didn’t think it was necessary to keep that shit, so now I get to print it all over again.  (it kills my eyes to read long docs on a computer screen)  So now I’m printing what will probably amount to half a ream of paper.  (yeah, pretty fucking close)  And it will have to be 3-hole punched, put in order of when I’ll have to read it, dividers inserted, and all of it put in my awesomely rockin’ purple binder with the sugar skull drawing that Josh did on the front.  Why be a boring grad student when you can totally rock that shit?

I’ve been listening to some tunes today, and that’s been playing a part in keeping my head from exploding.

I dare you to watch this and not smile.  But if that’s not your style, perhaps this is…

***

One “tip” I’d like to offer for those of us doing the “getting healthy” thing.  I’ve taken to drinking either hot cocoa or mocha in the mornings, using the pods for the Keurig machines.  I make mine in a double-size mug and fill the rest with low fat milk.  I’ve also been adding one of these…

International Delight Almond Joy in a single serving package

These are only 30 calories, shelf stable, and not ungodly expensive.  The coffee shop I like to go to makes candy bar mochas and Almond Joy is my fav.  This stuff plus a mocha pod and the milk makes a much cheaper and much healthier version – and won’t make me late for work.  I found them in the coffee aisle at the grocery store.

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housekeeping! I need more towels in here!

Tags

friends, getting healthy, goals, life, mental health, motivation, quitting smoking, school, stress

Sorry kids, I may well spam you today.  Josh and I decided it would be better for everyone if we wait until next weekend to get the kid.  I told him I wanted him to be able to get enough rest, hence he is still snoring right now and I have time to do stuff.  YAY!!!

So, first things first.  I’ve been putting this off too long.  Here is the list of goals I set last year:

1. Be able to put $25 into savings every month and leave it there.  Nope.
2. Get enrolled in the Technical Communication graduate certificate program.  Kind of – that’s what I’m actually in, but I’m going to take it further for a full blown Master’s degree.  I just need to get the right paperwork taken care of.  Yay!
3. Only buy yarn when I have a project selected and ready to start.  It’s been so long since I’ve bought yarn that I’m fairly sure this happened, but I maybe got one ball that I did have a project for but never have started – if that’s the case it would have been a $2 ball of cotton for a wash cloth.  Yeah, we’re still gonna call this a win.
4. Work on my book at least 2x per month.  Book?  What book?
5. Take better care of myself by taking my vitamins more regularly and exercising more often.  Uh, yeah – no, didn’t really happen.
6. Start working on christmas presents earlier in the year.  Didn’t make a single gift this year and didn’t really start shopping until the end of November and then finished the weekend immediately prior to Christmas.  Spectacular fail.
7. Brush and floss my teeth every day.  Really starting to think that dentures would be so much easier.

All in all, I suck.  Let’s try this again…

1. Exercise at least 2x/week for at least 30 minutes each time.
2. Minimize consumption of beverages that are full of empty calories.
3. Keep healthier foods on hand at home and at work so it’s easier to eat better.
4. Earn As in the classes I take.
5. Stay organized at home and at work.
6. Quit smoking before 12/31/14.

That’s enough I think.

***

Ok, so I was cleaning out my Google Drive this morning and found a few documents that I apparently created last spring when I got on my “let’s get healthy” kick.  One was just a table to keep track of my weight by week and the other is a spreadsheet to keep track of my walking.  We have a treadmill and I had gotten to the point – for a very short time – where I was walking 3 or 4 days week for at least 30 minutes.  I really want to get back to that place.  The walking not only made my body feel better, but it also made me sleep better.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking more about our group collective effort to get healthy this year.  I think it would be awesome if we could have a badge for those of us who’d like to display it – is anyone creative like that and could make one?  I have some really basic skills, but I’m sure one of y’all could do something way more nifty than me.  At any rate, here’s what I’m going to do – once a week I’ll post the following information.  I’d like to say I’ll always do it the same day, but life around here is just not that predictable.  I’m contemplating posting a full body – clothed – photo to document progress, but I’m not sure I’m quite that brave (or if it would gross anyone out).  Might just take those and save them on my laptop for myself and then when I feel like I’ve hit a significant milestone I can post one.

Ok, so every week at some point you can expect from me:

• Did I lose?  How much?
• Did I exercise like I intended to?
• Did I come across any tips or tricks that made something easier this week?  Could be a food or exercise tip or something dealing with managing stress or other mental health concerns.
• If I’ve run across any great recipe or healthy eating ideas, I’ll share those – might not happen every week.

Now, I’m not expecting everyone to feel compelled to share all of this – it’s really entirely up to you.  Sheena pointed out that accountability helps her, so I’m guessing she’ll likely do most of this.

I know we’re all big kids, but I honestly think this bit bears repeating:

1. We keep the focus on getting HEALTHY, not SKINNY.  This will involve mental health as well as physical health and the goal is to feel good as a whole human being.  And it is definitely NOT a competition – we’re here to support each other.
2. It will probably be easier if we each post individually on our own blogs, perhaps on the same day of the week.  Not sure what that day should be and if we should have something that we include in the post titles to identify that it’s part of this.
3. It would be awesome for all of us to share our successes, our troubles, our tips for things that help us be healthier (recipes, relaxation techniques, motivational strategies, etc).

We’re stronger when we stick together.

***

Here’s my starting info:

• Height = 5ft 6in
• Weight (as of 1/11/14 8ish am) = 264.5lbs

I would like to lose 1 – 3 pounds per week.  I will start exercising this weekend.  I’d like to try to always give y’all the updates on Saturdays, but we’ll see.

keeping hope alive

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, motivation, quitting smoking, rapid cycling, sleep, stress, tardive dyskinesia, when good meds go bad

Hi kids, did you miss me?

Sorry I was gone a few days, I had some things I needed to sort in my broken little brain.  And really, the only thing I wanted to talk about was how I haven’t been sleeping and was really nervous about the appointment yesterday.  Quite frankly, I decided I was tired of hearing myself whine so I just shut up for a few days.  I’m back now.

The appointment with shrinky-poo went well.  Both Mom and Josh were able to be there for it, which was nice.  We’re going to try Depakote and see if that doesn’t do the trick.  She said it’s just about the last of the “regular” psych meds we can try.  It’s in the same class as Lithium and can be taken with it safely.  I’m starting at 1000mg a night for the first three nights and then I’ll go up to 1500mg.

I started last night and already I can feel a difference.  I slept better than I have in a few weeks and this morning I feel pretty calm.  Granted, the day has barely begun, but I’ve been waking up feeling anxious lately and I don’t have that today which is a blessed relief.  She said there is something we can add into the mix if the anxiety doesn’t start to get better, which was reassuring.

If the Depakote doesn’t work as she wants it to, then we have to get really creative.  She didn’t really elaborate on what exactly that meant, but it told me that she’s got a contingency plan and that made me feel better.

And really, not having a plan has been a huge part of my problem lately.  For the last few weeks I haven’t known what was going on with my situation.  I knew that I was doing everything I possibly could to help make things better, but it wasn’t working well enough.  I needed her help and guidance, but I had to give her time to get there.  Now that we have a plan I feel better.

My only real complaint about the Depakote so far is that the pills are HUGE and I’m taking 2 of them until Thursday and then I’ll start taking 3 of them.  I’m not that great about swallowing pills anyway because of all the overdoses I’ve had, but big pills are even more problematic.  And they’re extended release tablets, so it’s not as though I can break them in half to make them smaller.  Oh well, it’s a small price to pay for getting some sleep.

I asked her about the tardive dyskinesia and she said it shouldn’t get any worse, but it’ll take awhile yet to completely clear up.  She’s pretty confident that we caught it early enough that it didn’t become permanent, but I guess the Geodon lingers in your system for quite some time and continues to cause this.  Once my body is free of it, it should clear up on it’s own.  I’m doing a rapid taper on the Geodon right now – 2 more nights of 40mg and then 7 nights of 20mg and I’m done.  She wants me off it as fast, but as safe, as possible.

I’ve been keeping up with the walking.  I’ve upped it to at least 1.25 miles per day, which is roughly 30 minutes.  I’m going to see if I can push it a little further tonight since Josh will be at school again.  I’m making Portabello stuffed ravioli with a mushroom sauce for dinner, which shouldn’t take long, so I should be able to walk at least 45 minutes I’m thinking.  The walking really does seem to be the best thing for my anxiety lately.  If I can just make it to the treadmill I can get my head right again.

I’m also really working on the whole healthier eating thing.  I’ve started eating my dinner off a smaller plate, I’m drinking protein shakes every now and then, and I discovered that my beloved lemon tea has less caffeine in the entire 2 quarts I drink than in a single 8 oz serving of Josh’s coffee.  I think I can swing that.  It’s the little things that are going to add up to a big difference for me.

One little thing that’s about to become big – I think – is the smoking.  I’m starting to get signs from my body that it’s about ready to give up the habit.  I rarely smoke a full cigarette anymore, unless I’m in the car, I only smoke one on the rides to and from work, and the one I smoke on the way home from work is always the last anymore.  On average I’d say I’m probably only smoking 12 or 13 cigarettes a day, compared to the full pack plus I used to smoke.  This is big for me.  I’m not pushing it though.  This is my last crutch and I don’t really feel like mentally I’m in a place where I can safely take this away.

The moods have been interesting lately.  When I talked to shrinky-poo yesterday we came to the conclusion that I’m probably rapid cycling right now.  I got from one extreme to the other in the span of minutes sometimes.  That in and of itself is exhausting.  But Josh said I haven’t been any more difficult to live with lately than I ever am, which is good.  He’s also taken to calling me his Wonder Woman, which I think is very sweet.  And yesterday when we got home from fetching pills after my appointment, he made both lunches, his coffee, and my tea – without being asked.  I had planned to do all of that after my walk, but he just jumped right in and did it.  Awesome.

his side of the story

Tags

bipolar disorder, death, divorce, family, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, quitting smoking, seasonal affective disorder, sleep, stress

It’s really not fair.  For weeks and months you’ve been listening to me bitch about how rotten Josh is.  What a terrible man, what a terrible husband, what a worthless father.

Maybe these things are true, but you’re not getting the complete picture.

I’m terrible to him sometimes.  I have mood swings that are just unbelievable in their depravity.  I’ve said things to him and about him that no self-respecting woman should ever say about her husband.  And he’s stood there and taken all of it.  He hasn’t yelled at me, or tried to correct me, or tried to defend himself at all.

I realized these things last night during a conversation with my mother.  I have well and truly broken him, broken his spirit.  This is just beyond terrible.

There are no words to adequately describe the depths of my depravity lately.  I’ve been the very worst example of what mental illness can do to an otherwise decent human being.

But I refuse to use that as an excuse.

In some way, in some locked tight part of my brain, I’ve known exactly what I was doing.  I very literally pushed – on purpose – almost every button that man has.  There are 2 left, and pushing them would be fatal.

I’ve been telling myself that I needed some kind of sign from the universe to help me make up my mind about this whole situation.  I wasn’t strong enough to do it myself so I’ve been waiting.  And while I’ve been waiting I’ve been trying to force his hand and make him leave me.  Any other man would have bolted by now.  Not Josh.

So there it is, the very definite, ultimate proof that he really and truly loves me.  There simply is no other explanation for why he would subject himself to routine torture like this.

Don’t get me wrong kids – this entire mess has not been solely my fault.  All I’m saying is that I’ve done more than my fair share of rotten lately and now I’m going to try to make amends.

At heart he’s a good guy.  He’s got oodles of potential.  He’s got a mean streak, to be sure, but he’s also a pretty gentle soul.  He’s patient with me most of the time, even when he probably shouldn’t be.

He’s got faults – but so do I.  He’s working on his, now it’s my turn to work on mine.

I did fall off the wagon with the smoking yesterday.  Nothing has tasted quite so good lately as that first drag.  I’m still going to try to quit again, and stay quit this time, but not right now.  The time simply isn’t right.

It was about this time last year that my dad got sick.  He went into the hospital right after Thanksgiving and died in February.  It was a rare, aggressive form of cancer.  Watching someone you love die is an utterly terrible thing, and it changes you.  The winter holidays will never be the same for me.  I miss my daddy, a lot.

Bear with me kids, it may get rough for a bit, but I’m fairly sure it’s going to get better.

I took the Lamictal last night at the same time I took my Melatonin and I slept pretty good.  I feel more rested this morning and like I actually have some energy for a change.  The sun lamp is on, the coffee cup is full, and I’m about to go smoke.  I’m not going to be so brazen as to say that life is good right now – I fucked things up pretty good and it’s going to take time.  But I feel like now I have a better sense of the direction I need to go and what I need to do.

reaching out for help

Tags

bipolar disorder, divorce, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, quitting smoking, stress

I got to the point this morning where I’d just had it.  I couldn’t talk to him, I couldn’t really physically talk to anyone at work, and I was exhausted.  Beyond exhausted.  So I called the doc’s office and tried to get a therapy appointment.  No dice.  Did get an appointment with shrinky-poo which is almost as good.  Maybe better.  She says my seasonal affective shit has kicked in again and that I’m having some winter depression on top of everything else.  Gee, ain’t that lovely.  So she told me it’s time to turn the sun lamps back on and she wrote me an Rx for Lamictal to try to help with the depression.  Here’s hoping.

I sent Josh a text earlier asking him what I need to say to him to get him to leave me.  No reply.  No replies of any kind and that’s sort of odd.  He should be off work and on his way home by now which means he’s perfectly able to send a text.  So why isn’t he?  Interesting.

I really am tired of all this.  Shrinky-poo says it’s time for him to go, but that she doesn’t expect him to go quietly.  Why should he?  He’s got a great thing going with me, of course he’s going to want to fight to hold onto it.  I’m tired of being held onto though.  I’m DONE.

I know this is not a good thing to be telling you, but I’m going to have to have a smoke.  This is just too fucking much.  I’m going to try my hardest not to make this into a habit again, but if I don’t have something to help me get through this night, I’m very literally going to go crazy.  Please don’t think too harshly of me.

Here’s the totally fucked up part – I had to CALL Josh to ask him to get me a pack on his way home.  He is fastidious about telling me that he loves me when he gets off the phone.  Not today.

Sweet ceiling cat, what am I in for now?

the sweet taste of quitting

Tags

meds, money, quitting smoking, recipes

By my reckoning it’s been 23 days since I had my last cigarette.  Breathing is easier, eating is more enjoyable.  Drinking – now that is pure bliss.

Josh and I went to a specialty tea shop yesterday so I could try something new.  A few weeks ago he spotted a special tea bag at the grocery store that was big enough to allow you to brew iced tea, but from good tea – not just that black Lipton crap.  This is put out by Tazo and it’s quite lovely.  I’ve been drinking the Passion flavor.  You brew the big ass bag in 4 cups of boiling water, let it steep 5 minutes, then add another 4 cups of cold water.  I also add a healthy amount of Splenda.  This makes 2 quarts and will get me most of the way through the work day.  The Passion tea brews up a lovely shade of pink and has a delightful fruity flavor.  But no caffeine.

I’ve been trying different kinds of tea from the grocery store, mostly herbals.  I had good luck with a Celestial Seasonings blueberry, but again, no caffeine.  I tried a Bigelow Peach, but it didn’t have enough flavor on it’s own.  That one I found was much improved by replacing the cold water with regular brewed black tea.  However, none of this is really what I’ve been wanting.  So off to the specialty shop we went.

Today’s selection is a very lovely Rose Congou, which is a black tea with rose petals.  It tastes pretty much just like you’d imagine – a very smooth black tea with a beautiful note of rose.  It’s simply delightful.  I also got a Japanese green tea called Cherry Blossom and a black flavored tea called Blue Shadow that’s supposed to be sweet with a distinct strawberry flavor.  I got enough to make 2 batches of each.  I figured that way I could try them with different amounts of sugar or sweetener and make sure I really did like them before buying quantities.  Plus this way I could get my little pouches done up with just the right amount for a batch so I don’t have to weigh anything.

I can’t imagine ever turning into a snob about tea, or any kind of food or drink for that matter.  I just like good quality consumables that taste good to me.  And I like to share when I find something good.  Speaking of something good, I’ve been steadily tweaking my mocha recipe.  This last batch I turned out is by far the best.

Here’s what I’ve been up to:

• Brew 3 cups worth of chocolate flavored coffee.  Add 3 heaping tablespoons instant coffee.
• 1/2 C chocolate syrup
• 1/2 C Splenda
• 3 1/2 C 1% milk
• 1/2 C Almond Joy flavored coffee creamer

This turns out almost exactly like the Almond Joy lattes I was getting at the coffee shop, only WAY less expensive.  I make that size batch every few days and store it in the fridge in a cleaned out juice jug.  I drink approximately 48 ozs a day, so that much lasts about 2 days.

So far I haven’t noticed any weight gain since I quit smoking.  Food and drinks taste way better, but my tummy is still able to tell me when it’s had enough.  And I’ve noticed in general since I started taking Lithium that most times I’d rather have something to drink than something to eat.  The trick really is to have good tasting things to drink that aren’t full of sugar or artificial chemicals.  Brewing my own tea at home and making my own mocha helps with that.

nevermind

Tags

bipolar disorder, divorce, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, quitting smoking, stress, therapy

After lunch yesterday I spent the entire rest of the day kissing Josh’s ass.  I lied to him about everything I could think of and said every sickeningly sweet thing I could come up with.  When I got home he told me what a great day we’d had together and how good it was to “have his wife back.”

Seriously?

All of my beautiful sarcasm was completely wasted.  But that’s ok.  I’m lulling him into that false sense of security just like I told you I want to.  He started kissing my ass last night, even going so far as to stop at the campus bookstore and buy me a card last night.  Really, a card?  Ever heard of “too little, too late?”  That’s alright, let him think he’s winning me back.  It’ll make my leaving him that much sweeter.

I even went so far as to tell him that the reason I’m still going to go to therapy is so that I can learn to be a better wife.  Do you believe that shit?  Apparently he did.

So after doing all of that yesterday, and having a fairly pleasant day for a change, I learned some important things about this relationship.

1. He will never be the one to make an effort first.  If I make an effort, he’ll follow.  He’ll never lead.
2. He EXPECTS this kind of treatment, all the time.  He thought we had a great day and that it was because of him.
3. Making him happy takes a colossal effort, one I am not willing to put forth on a regular basis.
4. I really and truly do not find ANYTHING about him attractive anymore, including his blue eyes.
5. I don’t trust a single fucking thing that comes out of his mouth.

I’m done.  I looked at the calendar again and realized that we don’t have the brat Thanksgiving weekend, it would be the weekend before.  So I’m trying to figure out how to make myself scarce that weekend and then kick him out over Thanksgiving.  Seems like the perfect time.  I just have to be patient and wait to get there.

There is a part of me, a really tiny part, that thinks maybe he really would be able to keep up with taking better care of me and maybe he deserves yet another chance.  I keep trying to remind that part about all of the times he’s lied and the times he’s hit me.  I’m all about second chances, but this is getting ridiculous.  I don’t know.  I guess I kind of feel like in some way I owe him one more shot since he’s probably given me way more chances than I deserve.  But really, at what point do you draw the line and say enough is well and truly enough?

And THIS is why I’m going to therapy.  I need help sorting all of this shit out.  One minute I hate him and want to hurt him, the next minute I think he’s the best thing since sliced bread and I’m the luckiest woman alive to have him.  It’s like the very worst case of not being able to make up your fucking mind ever.  I tell myself that he has NO REDEEMING QUALITIES and then the brain kicks in with “yeah, but what about the time…”  Seriously, it’s killing me.

I’m still not smoking and I’ve taken I think 1 Klonipin this week.  It’s hard, but I’m doing it.  I’m really kind of glad that I quit smoking when I did – I think if I hadn’t I may well be up to 2 packs a day by now.  And the smoking really is a crutch.  He doesn’t see it that way I don’t think, but it is.

I am starting to feel stronger, like I really could go this on my own.  My mom and I talk about it in the evenings while he’s at school.  She’s told me that *I* am welcome to keep living there with her as long as I like.  If I intend to keep Josh, we’ll need to move out as soon as we’re able to afford it.  I really do enjoy her company and could see living there with her for awhile, particularly while I’m working on my degree.  I’m sure eventually I’d want to get my own apartment or house, just because I’m fairly sure eventually I’d want to get a boyfriend again.

I really do think if I do get rid of Josh, WHEN I get rid of Josh, that I should stay single for awhile.  As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve never really been single.  There’s always been some guy that I’ve been involved with that’s had a hand in shaping who I was at the time.  I need to figure out who I am on my own and what the real Erin looks like.  Who knows, maybe under all of these layers of protection I’ll find I’m a skinny blonde who likes to jog.  I’ll never know if I don’t try.

The mood is so fucking weird lately that I don’t know if I could even put any kind of labels on it.  I’m confused, I’m hurt a lot of the time, I’m mentally exhausted, I don’t really feel like my emotions could possibly be my own, and even though I am often literally surrounded by people who love me and want to help me I have never felt more alone in my entire life.  No one can make up my mind for me, and right now that’s really what I need – to simply make up my fucking mind.  But this is big, life altering stuff.  How do you simply make up your mind on a decision that will impact the rest of your life?

My first divorce was easy – it was his idea.  All I had to do was sign some papers and it was done.  My second divorce was a mutual decision – we both came to the realization that we weren’t really good for each other anymore and it was time to move on.  No hard feelings what so ever.  This?  I just don’t know.

Josh keeps insisting that things will be better soon.  What if he’s right?  Does he even deserve a chance to be right?  After all of the bullshit he’s pulled and the terrible things he’s done to me over the last few years, do he deserve an opportunity to win this war?

I just don’t know anymore.

new strategy

Tags

divorce, life, limits, love, mental health, money, quitting smoking, stress

So here’s the game plan – give the bastard plenty of rope and watch him fucking hang himself.  Me like.

I’ve been chatting with my mom off and on today and we’re hatching a plan.  I’m going to play it incredibly cool for awhile.  I’ll be utterly nonchalant and show him that none of what he’s doing is really phasing me.  NONE OF IT.  Like this morning – I told him I’d found the bottles and that he’d blown it.  He came back with a lame excuse about how his Ambien didn’t work last night and he needed more than the 2 partial beers to put himself out for the night.  I simply replied, “ok, no problem.”  At lunch I told him I was sorry to hear he’d had a hard time sleeping.  That was it.  No yelling, no starting an argument.

I just don’t give a shit anymore and he’s about see firsthand just what that looks like.

I haven’t told him that I love him at all today and I have no intention of ever telling him again.  I don’t mean it, there’s no reason I should say it.  The ONLY reason I’m not kicking him out today is because I’d really like to get my money.  Yes, I am THAT BITCH.

But hey, be proud of me – no smokes and no Klonipin for quite a few days now.  I’ve hit 15 days with the no smoking.  I’m quite pleased by that.  Another week and I’ll have 21 days under my belt and then I’ll feel like I’ve really made some progress.  YAY ME!!!

update from therapy

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, family, kids, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, quitting smoking, sex, stress, therapy, work

Now I’m really wondering why I ever stopped going.  That was well and truly awesome.

We caught up from when I’d last been in and I got him up to speed on what’s been going on.  He agrees that it’s time to eliminate Josh from the picture.  I told him I’m just not sure I’m strong enough right now to do this.  He suggested that I keep seeing him for regular therapy appointments and we’ll work on getting me strong.

When I got home I told Josh I was done with his shit.  I told him I realize I’m at least partly to blame for what’s been going on but that I really just can’t do it anymore.  Things either get better, fast, or I file for divorce.  He looked like someone had just killed his puppy in front of him.  I’m done though, I can’t take any more of this stress.  We ended up “talking” off and on all fucking night.  He pretty well insisted we have sex even though I told him I wasn’t interested.  I got the last laugh though – the lousy sonofabitch wasn’t able to get an erection.  I really do think the end is coming sooner rather than later.

The biggest problem right now is that I’m really not sure I’m strong enough to do this.  I’m afraid that I’ll kick him out and then a week later change my mind.  And I can’t do that.  When I make my decision it has to be final.  My mom has already told me that once he leaves our house he isn’t welcome to come back.  Actually she said no one is welcome to come home with me anymore.  Looks like it’s going to be time to find my own apartment.  But without Josh in the picture I’ll actually have money to do that.

The thing that really got me last night was that almost the entire time Josh and I were talking he refused to look at me and he wouldn’t touch me – not even when I was crying.  Now I’d think if someone was telling me they wanted a divorce and I really didn’t want them to do that, I’d be reaching out and trying to hold their hand or something and trying to sneak kisses just to remind them that I really loved them.  Nope, he just sat there and stared off into space.  I don’t think he actually does love me anymore, I think he just says it.

I also told him last night that I know he loves the beer more than he loves me or his daughter.  He didn’t say anything about that.  If he wasn’t so in love with the beer he’d be able to give it up, but he won’t.  I told him when he drinks in front of me like that that it makes me feel like spending time with me isn’t important at all.  He just gave me a disgusted look.

Here’s another thing that gets me – I asked him why he really wants to stay married to me and he can’t tell me.  “I told you once already, that’s good enough.”  Oh really.  So I’m really left thinking I’m just a meal ticket.

Tonight he’ll be getting the beer again.  He made some kind of noise yesterday about “trying” not to drink while the brat is there this weekend.  I’d be willing to bet that doesn’t happen though.  I’m just waiting to see what kind of problems he can start tonight.  I’m here to tell you, I’m not putting up with it anymore.  If he starts in on me tonight or causes problems, he’s out first thing in the morning.  Too bad if he’s supposed to have a visit with the brat, that’s really just not my problem.

I’m trying to think ahead to what I can do to minimize the issues this weekend.  I’d really like to just call the ex and tell her we’ll have to reschedule.  I don’t think having the brat around is going to make any of this mess any easier to deal with.  I’m for sure that Josh would flip his shit about that though.  I’m kind of thinking I’ll just spend my time down in the basement working on butterflies.  That’s a nice non-offensive thing to do I think.  Of course I’m sure he’ll try to tell me that I can work on those upstairs where they are.  But he’ll have to be working on his English paper at some point considering he didn’t get anything done last night.  That probably was my fault this time.  But you know if he wasn’t planning on getting plastered tonight he’d have plenty of time to do it then.  But no.  I’ll be curious to see how he pulls off getting things done this weekend with the brat there.  I have absolutely no intention of playing “mom” this time.

The really fucked up part of all of this is that sometimes I am just dead sure that getting rid of him is the absolute best thing to do.  And then I talk to him and he’s just the tiniest bit sweet and I think, maybe there’s hope.  I actually asked T-bone about it yesterday, whether or not he thought Josh could change and be a better man.  He said he’s probably capable of it, but he can’t see him ever putting in the effort to make it happen.  And I think he’s right.  When you get down to it, Josh is probably the laziest person I know.  He’s also the most self-centered.  He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong, so why should he have to change?  He honestly thinks that all of our problems would be solved if I could just figure out how to wake up in a good mood every day and stay in a good mood.  As if I have a fucking choice.  Because really, it’s not as if I wake up and say to myself, “today I think I’ll just be a raging bitch all day!  Won’t that be fun!”

I’m trying to be decent this morning, more because I’m trying really hard not to take any more Klonipin than anything else.  He started to get a little snippy with me and I just decided to ignore it.  I waited about 30 minutes and then said something pleasant.  Not sure if I can make this work all day, but I suppose it’s worth a shot.  I have come to realize that he isn’t the only one who will have to put some effort into this if it’s going to work.  I just kind of feel like I do damn near everything in the relationship as it is.

T-bone says I’m too fucking nice – his words.  He also told me I need to figure out how to get out of this situation before something bad happens to Josh and I end up being stuck pushing his grumpy ass around in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.  Apparently he has another patient who was in a similar kind of marriage and that’s exactly what happened to her.  And now she really won’t leave the bastard because he “needs” her.  I really don’t want to see that happening to me.

I told Josh last night that I really wish he’d just go ahead and beat me.  Beat me so bad I end up in the hospital.  Because then I’d finally feel 100% justified in filing for divorce.  He just kind of looked at me.  I know the thought has crossed his mind before.  He’s laid hands on me in the past.  I just think that if he could get off his lazy ass and do something utterly terrible that I’d have no problem leaving him.  Right now I’m stuck in that place where the marriage is too bad to stay, but not bad enough to leave.

The mood continues to do really weird things.  I was pretty well in control for most of the conversations with Josh.  I kept myself very rational and calm.  Once we started having the sex debate and all of that mess I got kind of heated.  I just couldn’t understand why if I said I didn’t want to he’d keep pushing the issue.  I’ll be curious to see what happens today.

I teach this morning, in just a few hours.  It’s an old class, one I’ve taught several times before.  I think I have a whole 4 people signed up.  I was tempted to cancel it – we normally require 5 to hold a session – but I figured this was pretty close.  The interesting thing will be to see how many of them actually bother to show up.  I’m kind of hoping I’ll be done in time to talk to Josh at lunch, but only kind of.

This afternoon we have some other training thing going on.  Doesn’t sound like it should be too difficult.  I think we’re more just on hand for a group of faculty to ask questions about the one system I support.

After I get off work this afternoon I’m going to get my hair trimmed and my eyebrows waxed.  That’s pretty well the only “beauty” stuff I ever spend money on.  Well, that and pedicures.  I really like my hairdresser.  My mom has started seeing her, too.  I look forward to our visits.

I’d like to say that I’m looking forward to the weekend and some time to relax, but I don’t like to be a liar.  I plan to just try to keep myself busy and attempt to stay out of trouble.  I’m going to focus on the chores and making those butterflies and staying the hell out of Josh’s way.  Wish me luck.

ps – Even with all of this unbelievable bullshit, I STILL haven’t smoked.

done

Tags

anxiety, bipolar disorder, life, limits, love, mental health, quitting smoking, sex, stress, work

I feel completely wore out and the day isn’t even half way over yet.  I’m ready to drop, right here, right now.  Don’t bother picking me up, I don’t have anywhere I need to go.

Josh bombarded me while I was trying to take care of the car.  Somehow he forgot that I’d be doing that this morning.  How he could forget is beyond me – he had to drive my Jeep to work.  HELLO!  Anyway, he left the Honda with almost no gas in the tank and enough shit in the car to open a recycling center.  I was mortified to be dropping it off.

The rental company gave me a minivan to drive.  A motherfucking MINIVAN.  They called me three times to ask me what kind of car I wanted and each time I told them I just wanted a sedan.  I got a fucking minivan.

So yeah, my day is not off to a great start.  Josh is being moody and I REALLY WANT A CIGARETTE.  And I’m really thinking I’d like to be rid of him.  He’s driving me crazy, he doesn’t respect my property, he hasn’t thanked me today for his lunch or coffee (something he almost always remembers), and he’s apparently stopped saying “goodbye” when he gets off the phone.  I asked him about it today and he said he didn’t realize it was a “thing” with us.  What the fuck is that even supposed to mean???

Anyway, I’m about to have the rest of my afternoon filled with meetings.  I’ll be staying late again tonight and hopefully this time I won’t make it home in time to see him before he leaves for class.  He’s probably under the impression that we’ll have sex tonight.  WRONG.  I really want nothing more to do with him at this point.