an award for little ol’ me

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award

The lovely Diana of Trying to Make Things Right has nominated me for a Liebster Award. I suck at these things. I never know who to nominate or what questions to ask, but I have fun answering the other person’s questions. So in true Mama fashion, I’m cheating.

1. If you had one wish what would it be? That the doctors and scientists could find ways to keep people from suffering so much. I get that we all have to die, I just wish it wasn’t such a terrible process sometimes.
2. If you could change one law, what would it be and why? I believe that marriage equality should be in the constitution. Every adult human being deserves to be able to marry the adult human being they love. Period.
3. What is your favorite movie? What Dreams May Come
4. What is your dream job? Pretty much what I’m doing right now except I’d like to be able to teach one “real” course every semester in addition to the one-off training classes I do. Something like Digital Literacies or Information Design would be fun.
5. If you could travel to a different time period, when would it be? It would be really interesting to travel back to when King Arthur should have been around – as long as I can take my own toilet paper.
6. Do you love zombies, if not why? I think the idea of zombies is almost a little too plausible to be entertaining for me. But I loved the movie “Warm Bodies” and I thought that idea of the zombies being cured by human compassion and love was wonderful. I’m not all that fond of The Walking Dead, mostly because Josh watches it in bed while I’m trying to sleep.
7. Who is your favorite actor/actress? Hmm, not sure I have a favorite. I’ll see damn near anything Robert Downey, Jr. or Jeff Bridges puts out, same with Nicholas Cage. I’m also rather fond of Mary Louise Parker. I tend to go for folks who aren’t so “pretty” but end up playing smart and/or funny characters. The story is way more important to me than who’s in the movie.
8. Do you now or have you ever had a nickname? Several, but all family ones. My mom used to call me Erin Angel when I was very small. When I got older and would help her around the house I somehow became Gunga-din. Mostly now it’s Josh calling me Sexy Mama. The name Erin just doesn’t lend itself to any nicknames, and that always kind of bummed me out a little.
9. What would you want your last meal to be? Um, not to be the cause of my death? j/k Probably Mom’s lasagna. She makes the best damn lasagna EVER. Sadly, with only the 3 of us now, it’s not that practical to make a big pan of it.
10. What is your biggest fear? Being alone. More specifically that both Mom and Josh will die before I do and I’ll have no fucking idea how to take care of myself.
11. Do you think im awesome? lol  Of course you’re awesome, you read my blog!

So since I don’t like nominating people, I’m going to invite anyone who’s interested (or in dire need of something to blog about) to consider yourself nominated and answer my list of random questions.

1. What is your favorite breakfast?
2. When you need to cheer yourself up, what music do you go for?
3. What is your favorite family tradition?
4. What should your headstone read?
5. What is your middle name?
6. Where did you go on your favorite vacation?
7. How do you like your eggs prepared?
8. What is your personal mission statement?
9. Do you feel as though you are a grown up yet?
10. What is the most unusual thing you’ve ever done to or with your hair?
11. What kind of chocolate do you prefer?

I may just regret this

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award, divorce, life, limits, meds, mental health, mental illness, moods, the world is full of fucking idiots

First things first, I don’t regret this one fucking bit.  Fish of Gold had a Mad Lib contest on her blog and I won.  Yes, Mama won.  WOOT!!!

The laptop is officially dead.  I put the battery back in, connected an external keyboard, and still nothing.  The hard drive may be salvageable, but I’ll have to take it somewhere.  Fuck.

I spoke to Josh at lunch.  Well, I yelled at him.  A lot.  And loudly.  I sort of feel better.  And then I called my boss to tell her why I really wasn’t at work and she gave me the number for her psych doc.  I got Josh an appointment for next week.  I told him that he will go and he will do exactly as she says or I will have his belongings sent to him.  I’m going with him and I have every intention of telling her PRECISELY what he’s like and what his drinking habits are.  PRECISELY.

Shit is about to get real up in here.

No one is as good at lying as someone who tells you they’re fine while they clutch a fistful of pills behind their back.  So there will be zero trusting.  All pills – ALL, including mine – will be locked up.  I will dole out one week’s worth at a time.  This pisses me off because I get treated like a child as well.

I made myself an appointment to see shrinky-poo this afternoon.  I know that if I’m going to get through this mess – whatever “getting through this mess” ends up looking like – I’m going to need reinforcements.  I think it’s also just a really good idea to check in with her when big shit like this goes down.

I know how to take care of me.  I had to learn the hard way, but now I know.  And most of the time I do a pretty damn good job of it.  What I know right now is that I can’t handle him pulling this kind of bullshit while I’m trying to advance my career and go to school.  Call me selfish, but I’ve thrown so much time and energy into this relationship already with nothing to show for it, I’m really at the point of realizing that it’s all been for naught.

lessons

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award, divorce, friends, life, limits, mental health, moods, random shit that falls out of my brain, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work

Here’s some things I’ve learned today, in no particular order…

• The Toad is an even bigger pain that I’d thought.  He left the phone in the other office forwarded all morning.  And again he expected me to fix something he should have been able to figure out himself.  Which I did.  And rubbed his nose in.
• Very smart people sometimes pay no attention to the words that are right in front of them.  I sent an email to my boss’s boss asking for clarification about whether or not I should do something.  Her reply has be totally baffled.  She answered, kind of, but not really what I asked.  I’m putting it in time out.
• Y’all apparently love me.  I’ve been nominated for 2 awards in the last few days.  I honestly don’t have it in me right now to do right by either, but I’m hoping I will in the morning.
• The depths to which some humans will sink is amazing.  I’ve put myself in time out from Facebook because all of the bullshit is just wearing me out.  And I removed someone today because her religious commentary was just too much.  Believe what you want – that’s fine.  I believe I don’t have to put up with it anymore.
• Josh is entirely clueless.  He offered to get me cigarettes – like he always does – because according to him that’s the only thing he can think of to make my night any better.  Wow.
• I had a faculty member send no less than 3 hateful emails in a 10 minute span because she was convinced that MY system had lost the 12 hours worth of work she put in over the weekend.  I took screen shots of the allegedly missing information and sent it right back to her.  Her grad assistant thanked me for pointing out their mistake.

shine on award

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award

I’m not really known for doing awards.  It’s never anything personal against the person who gave it, more that I just don’t ever really feel like I’ve earned them.  And I don’t know as I can adequately explain what’s different about this one, but to my twisted mind, there is.  At any rate, this is from Shaun, and I think it’s lovely.

Rules

1. Display the award logo on your website

2. Link back to the person who kindly nominated you

3. Share seven things about your lovely self:

4. Share this with 15 others

Seven Things about Mama

1. I don’t profess any kind of faith, follow any religion, or claim to know any higher powers.  My goal is to live my life so that my mom is always proud of me.  The rest strikes me as merely details.
2. I have pretty well given up on anger.  Being angry with you hurts me, not you, and it uses up my precious energy.  Energy is in short supply around here these days so I’d really rather use it for something productive.  I do frequently get frustrated with people or feel disappointed in their actions/choices, but I try not to let it escalate to full blown anger anymore.
3. I firmly believe in practicing random acts of kindness.  You have no idea what another person is going through right now, but it damn near never hurts to do or say something nice to them.
4. I will share anything I know with anyone who will sit still and listen respectfully.  Anything.
5. I gave up on the notion of being a real mama a very long time ago.  I’m truly not suited to it.  However, I do enjoy mothering those I love.
6. I cannot abide cruelty in any form or fashion.  People who abuse animals, small children, the elderly, each other – no, that shit is entirely wrong and they need to be dealt with appropriately.  There is no cause to hurt another living being for no good reason.  Killing an animal to consume it’s flesh is entirely different, but even that should be done with respect for the animal.
7. The best way to get me to do something is to tell me, in detail, how someone like me cannot possibly do it.  I get a real kick out of proving people wrong when it comes to matters of my abilities.

Here’s the part I am absolute shit at – I quite easily read 15 other blogs, but we all seem to run in about the same circles and there were lots of familiar names on Shaun’s list, so I’d be doing a lot of duplicating.  You all know I love you.

Shaun also requested with his post that I add this song.  It’s lovely.

statistically speaking…

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award, bipolar disorder, knitting, life, love, mental health, mental illness, motivation, projects, sleep, work

Wow, it must be award season.  I got nominated for another one.  Seriously kids?  You like me that much?  That many of you like me that much?

I’m just gobsmacked.  I mean, I never had any hope of having more than a few followers and last time I looked I’m up to 170 something.  And all I ever do is write about my life, my trivial, mostly boring, sometimes irreverent life.  And you like it.  Holy flying squirrels.

This one came from kat of katerpiller.  Thanks honey, this is awesome.

1.) If you could change something, what would you change?

Our financial situation.  I want Josh to get a job that pays big kid money for a change.  Maybe then we could move out of my mom’s basement.

2.) If you could repeat an age, what age would it be?

I can’t think of a single time in my life that I’ve been happy/satisfied enough to want to go back to.  There’s always been struggle and turmoil in my life.

3.) What one thing really scares you?

Dying alone.

4.) What one dream have you not completed yet which you think you will be able to complete?

I want to go all the way with my education and get a PhD.  I’m going to start working on my second Master’s degree this summer and I’m really hoping I feel up to going the rest of the way once I finish that.

 5.) If you could be someone for a day, who would you be?

I’d like to be a non-mental version of myself for a day, just to see what that would be like.

I nominate…

• merbear74 – she’s given me an award and then tagged me yesterday, it’s her turn
• Gemma – so that maybe she’ll post on her blog again
• WeeGee – because she needs something nice right now
• Pen – she also needs something nice
• Grainne – another “in need of something nice” candidate

*****

In other news…  Josh is excited about the new job, as am I.  This is definitely a step in the right direction for us.  I’m just hoping that we can work out a new morning routine since he’ll be getting ready to leave at the same time I am.  I’m sure it’ll be fine.

I started the sweater last night.  So far it’s looking good.  Though I did realize after I’d gotten a few rows in that my gauge is off – again.  I think it should be fine though.  I’m really liking it.  Probably should have just bit the bullet and finished Josh’s slipper, but I couldn’t be bothered.

The mood is pretty good right now.  I didn’t sleep great last night, but it wasn’t utterly terrible.  I’m just going to keep an eye on things and see how tonight goes.  It legitimately could have been just a fluke.  That’s what I’m trying to tell myself anyway.  I still don’t feel really tired in the mornings so I guess I stick with the increased Geodon for awhile yet.  I do finally feel like I’m starting to slow down, which is good I guess.  I just hope I don’t get to the point where I stop entirely.

very inspiring blogger award

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award

The always delightful merbear74 of knocked over by a feather nominated me for this award 10 days ago.  As I am a shit blogger I’m only just now getting to it.

Here are the rules of the award:
1.) Display the award logo on your blog.
2.) Link back to the person who nominated you.
3.) State 7 things about yourself.
4.) Nominate 15 bloggers for this award.
5.) Notify those bloggers of the nomination by linking to one of their specific posts so that they get notified by ping back.

Seven things about me:

1. I hate my own handwriting.  I spend so much time typing and texting that I almost never have to write.  When I do I can’t even read it half the time.
2. I drink close to 6 quarts of liquids a day.
3. 6 of my tattoos include something that flies – butterflies, a bumble bee, humming birds, a dragon fly, and a dragon.
4. My eyes change color with my moods.  When they’re greenest, I’m happy.  When they’re brown, I’m neutral.  When they’re gold – LOOK OUT.
5. My mom is the only person who ever turned my name into a nickname.  When I was small she would call me Erin Angel.
6. I have very eclectic taste in music.  I listen to everything from Van Morrison to Govt Mule to Barenaked Ladies to Bowling for Soup to Dollyrots to Mumford and Sons.
7. I have naturally curly hair and I LOVE IT.

Blogs I’m nominating:

1. Pen, Paper, and Crazy
2. Raison d’etre
3. Living with BPD
4. How do you eat an elephant?
5. Struggling with BPD
6. Human in Recovery
7. alltheavenueslookugly
8. A Schizo in a Strange Land

That’s all I can be bothered to do right now.  Thanks for the honor merbear74!!!

way overdue

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award

Back in November, merbear264 of Knocked Over By a Feather nominated me for the Liebster award.  I’ve been meaning to get this posted, but you know how life gets in the way sometimes.  So anyway, here’s my stab at it.  And thanks merbear, it really does mean a lot to me.

There are 4 steps to receiving this award..

1. List 11 things about yourself.
2. Answer your nominator’s 11 questions.
3. Choose up to 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers and ask them your own questions.
4. Inform your nominees of their award nominations.

Eleven things about me…

1. I have 13 tattoos.
2. I’m about to start working on my second graduate degree.
3. I’ve been with the same employer for almost 12 years.
4. I married Josh after knowing him for less than a year.
5. None of my last names have been more than 5 letters long.
6. I have a large collection of squirrel figurines at work.
7. My favorite flowers are roses and Star Gazer Lilies.
8. I have smoked off and on since I was 12 years old.
9. I can type somewhere in the neighborhood of 80 words per minute.
10. I can’t stand plain coffee, but I love a good mocha.
11. I’ve been writing in some form or fashion since I learned to write.

Here’s the questions from her…

1. Fact or fiction?  I love a good story regardless of whether or not it’s true.

2.What is your favorite animal and why?  I’ve always been partial to cats.  They’re cute and sneaky at the same time.

3. Do you think being rich would make you happy?  Nope, I really don’t.  Being broke doesn’t scare me one bit.

4. Are you bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning, or grumpasauras rex?  It really depends on the morning.  When I wake up I’m usually wide awake and up for the day.  The mood depends on how happy I was when I fell asleep, whether or not I had nightmares, and whether or not Josh wakes up happy with me.

5. What is your favorite dessert?  Tiramisu

6. What is your favorite thing about blogging?  Blogging is therapy for me.  And if anything I have to say makes someone else feel better about their situation or gives them a laugh, I’ve done my job.

7. Do you like reality TV shows?  Absolutely NOT.

8. If you could have lunch with one famous person, dead or alive, who would it be?  My favorite author – Robert A. Heinlein.

9. What is your favorite breakfast cereal?  I’m not much of a breakfast person.

10. Do you believe that love is all we need?  Yes, absolutely.

11. Chocolate or vanilla? Possibly strawberry?  Chocolate, all the way.

Here’s my problem – I follow lots of blogs and I don’t feel like it would be fair to pick just 11 of them to nominate for this.  (that’s almost entirely why I haven’t done this yet)  So if you’re reading this, chances are I’m following you – consider yourself nominated.  Here’s some random questions from me:

1. How did you get started blogging?
2. What’s your favorite genre to read?
3. Do you express yourself creatively in any way besides writing?
4. What’s the one food combination you love but everyone else thinks is ick?
5. What’s the oddest thing you’ve done while mental?
6. If you could take a single pill and be cured of your disease(s), would you?
7. What has been your favorite gift?
8. Do you have a theme song?  If so, what is it?
9. What’s one thing about you that a stranger would never guess just by looking at you?
10. How did you pick the name of your blog?
11. What do you love more than anything else in this world?

brilliant blog award

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award, friends, mental health, mental illness

 

As I’m fairly certain you know by now, I don’t get many of these.  I don’t really feel I’m worthy anyway, so no big deal.  But this is kind of special.  This comes from Lulu.

Lulu is on her own mental health journey.  Like most of us, it’s a bumpy ride some days.  But she always seems to have this knack for leaving me the perfect comment on the days when I really need it most.  So thank you, your virtual love means a lot to me.

Here’s the rules of the award:

1. Write an acceptance speech, linking back to the person who gave it to you.
2. Write 7 things you believe in.
3. Give the award to as many brilliant blogs as you would like to share the love.

7 things I believe in:

1. We all have an inalienable right to be happy.  Not all the time.  Not in all situations.  But often.
2. True love does exist, but it’s usually pretty shy.  If we’re lucky we get to see it a handful of times in our lives.
3. Every person has the right to quality mental health care, regardless of sex, religion, nationality, education, or ability to pay for it.
4. The indomitable power of the human spirit.  It takes more than you can throw at me to break me.
5. The power of touch.  Few things heal like a hug.
6. The kindness of strangers.  Thank you to every random person who has ever shown kindness to me.  This includes the young man who held the door for me today.  You just don’t know when your seemingly miniscule act of kindness with literally make someone else’s day.
7. Myself.  Without me, I am nothing.

Most of the folks I would have linked to have already been given this honor by Lulu herself.  I share it with my best friend in the whole world, Gemma.  She doesn’t write too often anymore, but I always listen when she does.  She’s helped me through some seriously rough business and continues to help me today as I battle with Josh.  I’d be lost without her.

sunshine award

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award

The lovely woman who writes indefinitely still me has nominated me for the Sunshine Award.  I love her blog because it’s so incredibly honest.  She’s half a planet away from me and yet it almost feels like she could be just down the street from me.

Here’s the questions…

1. Favorite philosopher:  Can’t say I really have one.  I’ve never been a big fan of the classics so I’m not on a first name basis with any of them.

2. Favorite bad habit:  Smoking.  It wakes me up, it puts me to sleep, it calms me down…

3. Age:  36 (and amazed to have made it this far)

4. Favorite time of day:  Early in the morning, before everyone else wakes up.  This is when I get myself centered and ready for the day.  I especially enjoy being awake on the weekends before Josh is.  The day holds all that potential and it’s just waiting for me to seize it and make something awesome happen.

5. Favorite time of year:  Spring.  I love seeing everything blooming and all of the little critters coming out.  Plus, in this part of the country, it’s usually still cool without being too cold.

6. Favorite dead celebrity:  Marilyn Monroe – there was a lady with class.  She said my very favorite thing ever, “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”

7. Favorite Christmas movie:  Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas.  I used to watch it every year with my dad.

8.  Favorite vacation:  The time I went to Florida when I was a kid.  That was by far the best family vacation ever.

9. Physical activity:  If I have to be physical I prefer to walk.  I don’t go too fast, but Josh has been known to hold my hand when we go somewhere just to keep me from running off.

10. Favorite thing:  Knitting.  It’s so calming and invigorating at the same time.  I love that I can take sticks and string and make almost anything.  I love the yarn, I love reading and writing patterns, I love the needles…  It’s the perfect hobby as far as I’m concerned.

Now, my nominations…

Gemma

Kina

Dotty

an award

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award, mental illness

Sean from alltheavenueslookugly gave me an award this weekend.  I feel pretty special.  No one has given me an award for my writing since I was a kid.  Here’s the rules…

1. show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.

2. reveal your top 5 picks for the award and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. post the award on your blog.

4. bask in the love from the most supportive people on the blogosphere.

5. and, best of all – have fun and spread the karma.

I’m kind of speechless.  Sean writes an amazing blog, so I strongly encourage you to go visit him and see what’s going on.  My 5 picks are:

1. Dancing with Psychosis
2. Notes from a She-Hermit
3. bipolarbekr
4. I have bipolar. I am not bipolar.
5. Halfway between the gutter and the stars