the decline of the sexies

Tags

bipolar disorder, life, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, sex, stress

When I was first diagnosed with the Bipolar I went through a time when I had no sex drive at all.  I didn’t want Rob to touch me or look at me and heaven forbid I had to touch or look at him.  As my meds and moods stabilized my sex drive came back.  It wasn’t quite as full blown as it had been before the meds, but it was probably fairly close to normal.

When Josh and I met I was hypersexual.  I wanted it all the time and would take care of my own needs by myself on a very regular basis.  I couldn’t get enough of Josh and pretty well wanted it every time I saw him.  When we moved in together I started wanting it every day.  He took care of my needs as best he could and life was pretty good.

I had a partial hysterectomy in November of last year.  I had to go a full 6 weeks without sex.  That was hard core difficult.  After the doc cleared me we started up again and go to the point where it was pretty regular.

In the past few months I’ve slowed down again, way down.  Most of the time now I have zero interest.  Seeing Josh naked pretty well just disgusts me.  Part of this is my sex drive being damn near shut down and part of it is that he’s put on close to 50lbs since we met.  I don’t have a thing against big guys – Rob was bigger than Josh, but his personality outshone his physical attributes.

So we’re fighting about it again.

He wants to have sex tonight.  I don’t.  I told him I’ve got a whole lot of things that need to be done, and he’s not one of them.  I told him if the sex is really important than I’ll go along with it but tomorrow he’ll need to take care of the brat so I can get things done.  Yeah, that did not go over so well.

And I really don’t get it.  All he would have had to do this morning was say “hey, I know you’ve got a lot to do but this is important to me, so how about I help you?”  But no, he’s just been grumbling and being mean.  When I told him that all he had to do was offer to help he replied “don’t I always?”  Well, no, not really.  He’ll help if I specifically ask him to do something specific, but he NEVER offers help unsolicited and quite frankly I’m tired of it.

And of course NOW he’s too busy to talk.  He’s been chatting after his break until now, but all of a sudden he doesn’t want to talk anymore.  Ok, whatever.  As far as I’m concerned we don’t ever need to talk about this again or have sex again.  He quite literally does nothing for me anymore.

The really sick thing is, I’m pretty sure if I was with someone who was treating me decently I’d be right back to being horny all the time.

change of plans

Tags

bipolar disorder, christmas, family, kids, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, motivation, seasonal affective disorder, sleep, stress, work

Fortunately yesterday didn’t suck quite as much as I’d feared it would.  My two appointments only took 15 minutes each but my meeting ran almost 30 minutes long.  Can’t win them all I guess.  I cancelled the hair appointment because I was just too unbelievably tired.  The therapy session went well.  And Josh and I kind of talked.  We’ll call it a win I guess.

I told Josh that because my sex drive is virtually non-existent he’ll need to do more to get me ready to be in the mood.  I made some suggestions of things he could do that would help.  I told him that I realize there’s not a whole lot he can do while we’re not physically with each other, but that if he says things and drops hints through the day that I’ll be more likely to come home receptive to physical advances.  He suggested that we make a “date” for tonight and I told him that was fine.  Now I guess we’ll just have to see if he was actually listening last night.

I definitely need to talk to shrinky-poo about the sex drive and the almost constant feeling tired.  Today is going to be a little worse than usual since I’m in the lab and I don’t have my light.  I do have my mocha and some good black tea to drink, so I’m hoping the caffeine helps.

Today should be fairly calm.  I’ve got a few phone calls to make and one person has told me she’ll drop by this morning for some help.  Nothing else really scheduled until I leave.  I brought my special notebook from home so I can work on my lists – to do and grocery.  I probably could have brought the bunny with me but I figured if I did that would just guarantee that my day would get crazy.  I think I’d just as soon be too bored today as opposed to too busy.

The to do list looks like this right now:

• laundry
• clean bathroom
• vacuum
• clean up garage
• take aluminum cans to recycle center
• wash knitting bag
• go to the grocery store
• go to Costco
• go to Michael’s
• pay bills
• get the oil changed
• get Josh’s blood work done
• go to Hobby Lobby
• go to Teavana
• go to the Body Shop

Will I get it all done?  Probably not.  But I plan to start tonight so hopefully I’ll be able to at least make a dent in it.  Josh and I decided that we won’t go out tonight, but we will go out with the brat tomorrow night.  We’re going to celebrate his good grades at school.  He managed to get an A in English and a C in math.  I am thinking we might pick up a fast food dinner on the way home from his ultrasound tonight so that I don’t have to cook and clean up the kitchen before I can start my list.

I really don’t understand how people who have kids get anything done.  It’s bad enough for me to try to work around Josh and the brat when she’s here for the 2 weekends a month we have to have her, how do women who have children at home full time do it?  I really don’t want to ever have to find out.  Like I said, I’ll try to start tonight and see how much I can accomplish before we get her.

I made a revised gift list this morning and I still have 9 gifts to finish.  I have no delusions that I’ll get the bunnies for my nieces done in time for the party on Sunday.  I got them these cute animal hats that I think I’ll give them instead and try to have the bunnies done for Christmas.  I need to make a total of 5 bunnies, 2 butterfly mobiles, 1 mitten, and a hat.  I really, really, REALLY need to get myself back on track if I’m going to get everything done.  I’ll have some time next week while Mom is in surgery, which I hope helps, but I can’t possibly get all of that done in a single day.  I’m hoping that Josh’s Tuesday class goes well and that I have some quiet time that evening to work.  Not sure how much time I’ll get between now and then.

The moods still seem to be holding fairly steady.  I still have occasions when I get upset during the day, but they don’t seem to last too terribly long.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve realized it really just does no good to be mad at Josh.  It doesn’t hurt him and it only upsets my day.  He’s going to do whatever the hell he wants to anyway, why should I even bother trying to stop him?

nuggets of noteriaty

Tags

anxiety, life, love, mental illness, stress, work

So I guess most of the time I do a pretty good job of hiding when I’m having a bad day from the normies.  Right now I seriously doubt that any of my colleagues or the random folks I’ve dealt with today realize that I’m in a right foul mood.  But Josh knows and he’s harassing me about it.

We all have “off” days – occasions when we don’t feel on top of our game or much like dealing with people.  Most of us can hide this from everyone else and just plow through the day until we can get home and unwind.  It’s called LIFE, we live it every day.

It appears that I’m not allowed to have an “off” day.

I told him this morning that I didn’t really feel much like talking, he pestered me as to why.  I tried to explain that I’m a little overly stressed out right now, he insisted on knowing why.  I tried to give him a polite yet cursory answer, he kept insisting on details.

I’ve tried telling him before to just leave me alone but that only serves to incite a small riot.  But all I really want is to be left alone.  For awhile.  At least until the next time I have to leave my office for my noon appointment.  But no, he insisted.

I really am trying to be decent to him, I swear I am.  I just don’t know how much more I can take.  He said something earlier that really kind of pissed me off – “sorry for caring.”  What the fuck?  He claims he’s just trying to be good to me.  Ah yes, be good to me and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!

The only other mildly interesting thing that happened today is that a man showed interest in me, I think.  We have a new custodian and he’s friendly, but appropriately so.  This morning he struck up a conversation with me in the hall.  It was entirely proper, I assure you, but it seemed like maybe he’s wanting to get to know me?  I don’t know.  Like I said, it was proper and pleasant and probably meant nothing.  But it was nice to have a man just strike up a conversation with me.  It made me feel kind of good and has definitely been the high point of my day thus far.  Perhaps he was just practicing a random act of kindness.

I don’t get it

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, bipolar disorder, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, seasonal affective disorder, sleep, stress, work

He didn’t end up getting into the class last night, for which I am very thankful.  It does mean it’ll take longer for him to complete this certificate program, but I’m just not ready to have him gone that long right now.

Anyway, he came home and we talked some more.  He still claims that he can control the drinking and that it won’t get out of hand again.  I really don’t understand this.  He pushed me, bullied me really, into have 5 drinks with him the last time we went out – where is my assurance that he won’t try that again?  He knows damn good and well that I wouldn’t make a scene in public so he can basically get away with whatever he wants to.  How fucking fair is that to me?

So now I’m not sure what to do.  I would like to go out Friday after the ultrasound.  I’m thinking I’ll be a little keyed up from having suffered through this week and I’d really rather enjoy a cocktail to help me unwind.  I just don’t know if I really can do that with him.  My gut says he’s got absolutely no self control and we’ll just have a repeat of last time.  Maybe I should just start listening to my gut.

Today is going to suck, hard core.  I’ve got an appointment at 8, meeting at 9, another appointment from noon – 2 (sweet ceiling cat I hope it doesn’t take that long!), and then I have to spend 2-3 in the other office.  At 3 I leave for my therapy appointment.  Immediately after that I have to pick Josh and my pills up, grab a quick fast food dinner, and be at the hair salon at 6.  I’m hoping to be home by 7.  I’m going to be exhausted.

And really, exhausted seems to be my default state anymore.  No matter how much sleep I get I’m not feeling rested.  I’m using the light every morning as much as I can be at my desk, I’m taking all of my pills in the precise manner they were prescribed, I haven’t had a drink in nearly 2 weeks now…  What the fuck?

I’ve got an appointment with shrinky-poo tomorrow afternoon before Josh’s ultrasound.  Not sure if she’ll be able to shed any light on this or not.  I know I’m not up to the full therapeutic dose of the Lamictal yet which could be part of it.  I just don’t really know anymore and it’s frustrating.  I’m really trying my hardest to do all the right things and yet it still feels like a colossal FAIL.

If I can get through today without going completely off the deep end I should be alright.  I’ve got one person dropping in tomorrow morning sometime but no other scheduled appointments and I’m leaving at 2 for my appointment.  Tomorrow should be quiet, and I really need that right now.

I wish I could say that my weekend will be nice and quiet, but there’s no way in hell.  I’ve got a 7am appointment Saturday to get an oil change, Josh needs to have his blood test between 8 – 9, at 11:15 we pick up the brat, and I’ve got about a million errands to run and chores to do.  And then Sunday afternoon is my nieces’ birthday party.

Life around here is just bat shit crazy right now.

and here’s some more shit, cuz a wednesday wouldn’t be complete without LOTS OF SHIT

Tags

alcohol, anxiety, divorce, life, limits, love, mental health, stress

I am so fucking over this bullshit.  Josh did some really nice things for me this afternoon – he started his coffee, made us both sandwiches, emptied the dishwasher, and got pills.  All lovely things.  He’s not usually prone to doing lovely things so I got suspicious.  I asked him about it and started a bit of a row – nothing major, just some upset-ness.  We got that taken care of and things seemed to be alright.  I told him I’d like to go out to dinner Friday night after his ultrasound appointment but only if we could go somewhere that he wouldn’t be too tempted to drink.  He got all defensive and asked me if he wasn’t ever to drink again.

HELLO ASSHOLE, THAT’S WHAT GET SOBER OR GET OUT MEANS!!!

And of course since we were right in the thick of it, he had to leave to go to school.  I sent him a text and told him to decide – it’s either me or the booze.  He claims that he’s chosen me.  I do not buy that for one single second.

I’ve got a splitting fucking headache now.  And I’ve no idea when he’ll be coming home.  If he gets into the class then it’s possible that he won’t be home until after 11pm – the class is scheduled until 10:50.  Neither of the classes he had last term ever ran the full length, but these are actual welding classes so this time they might.  Not entirely sure I can deal with this, particularly not tonight.  So while I”m all for him continuing his education and all that, I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t do this class this term.

I hate that he can get me so fucking twisted.

Am I being unfair?  Is it really unreasonable to expect an alcoholic to never drink again?  Am I doing the wrong thing by trying to keep his disease in mind when I plan our activities?

No, I really don’t think so.

But now I don’t know what to do.  If he doesn’t get home at a reasonable hour this will drag into tomorrow.  My work schedule tomorrow is terrible, I’m in meetings and appointments damn near all day.  And then I have therapy right after work and a hair appointment after that.  Are you fucking kidding me?

Hmm, perhaps it’s not quite as bad as I had thought.  He just made it to campus and sent his usual “i’m here, I love you” message.  I think perhaps he’s just balking still.  He doesn’t like the idea of anyone telling him what to do – he never has – and this has cost him some relationships and some jobs.  What can I say, he’s an Aries and he’s got the full measure of stubborn that comes along with that.

I’m still not terribly pleased with him.  He stomped off without telling me he loved me and only a cursory kiss.  I suppose I can forgive him this once.  I just wish he could see this from my eyes – how I see him dying every time he drinks.  How I worry about the damage he’s already done to his body with all of the years of constant alcohol abuse. How I see a man with so much untapped potential just drinking his future away.  How I see a little girl growing up never knowing her father.

Did I mention that I have the MOTHER OF ALL FUCKING HEADACHES?!?!

I guess I’ll go take a Fioricet, smoke one last cigarette, and scrounge some dinner.  I might not be back in the morning, depends on how things go.  I’ll catch back up with y’all when I can.

BE NICE

Tags

religion

I am officially starting my own church – the Church of the Snowflake. We recognize that every person is a unique individual and is allowed to hold whatever beliefs seem right to her/him. The only rule is that while you’re practicing your preferred beliefs you need to BE NICE. You want to pray to the Christian God? Great, just be nice. You want to honor the Sabbath? Terrific, be nice to the people you meet there. You want to orient yourself in a specific direction and send your prayers to a place you think is really special? That’s awesome, just be nice while you do it. Don’t push your beliefs on others, don’t belittle their beliefs, and above all, BE NICE. Don’t send me your money, we don’t do that here. Just be nice, as often as you can to as many people as you can. BE NICE.

in which we discuss my complete and utter lack of faith in a deity

Tags

faith, religion, sick

Holy shit I hate it when people tell me to just turn my problems over to their god and let him handle it.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  Forget about all of my troubles and just let some mythical being in the sky deal with all the bad shit for me.  Right.

I try to espouse a “live and let live” philosophy.  I’ll keep my beliefs to myself, you keep yours to yourself, we’ll get along fine.  You want to believe in a deity that grants wishes if you ask nice enough, go for it.  That’s just not for me.

But I could be wrong.

I don’t claim to have any answers.  I don’t claim to know what’s really going on.  I don’t profess to know what’s best for anyone other than myself.  I don’t even claim to know if this is really working for me or not, but it’s the only way I know how to be.

It appears that I’m going to be sailing some rough waters in the days to come.  Shit could get real ugly or it could turn out to be nothing.  What’s going to get me through this is my belief in myself and the help of my friends and family.  I like to put my faith in things that talk back and can be hugged.  It’s just how I am.

Sometimes bad shit happens to good people because that’s just how life works.  You get some good stuff, you get some bad stuff, hopefully it all balances out.  I do believe that if you put some positive energy out into the universe you stand a much better chance of getting good stuff back.  Bad people always do seem to get what’s coming to them in the end.

I appreciate that we’re all different and that different people need different things to get them through the day.  I don’t knock anything that works for you, I really don’t.  If going to church and saying prayers makes your life better, well I just think that’s terrific.  But going to church on Sunday doesn’t make you a Christian any more than hanging out in the garage for a few hours will make you a car.

And I guess this is what I get for saying something on Facebook about having a rough time.  All of the “believers” in my family and Josh’s family are going to crawl out of the wood work and tell me how much better my life could be if I’d just ask Jesus to do me a solid.

So what about all that praying I did when my dad was sick?  Did I not do it right?  Was I not appropriately servile while I was begging Jesus to spare my father and take me instead?

Fuck that shit.

because I needed one more thing to worry about

Tags

anxiety, family, life, limits, love, mental illness, sick, stress, work

I mentioned yesterday that I was having to take Josh to the doctor to see about his testosterone.  He’s got a decent sex drive, but his stuff doesn’t always work properly and it’s frustrating.  He also doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of energy anymore and he’s kind of depressed.  Low testosterone can cause all of that.

So we went and waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  Fifty minutes after his scheduled appointment time the doctor finally came in.  If this guy wasn’t totally worth it we’d have left.  We spent some time talking about what was going on and then he did an exam.  During the exam he found a lump on one of Josh’s testicles.

This could be nothing, just a mass of veins.  It could be one of those pimple things we get.  It could be cancer.

He has an ultrasound scheduled for Friday afternoon and a blood test scheduled for Saturday morning.  I’m just a tiny bit freaked out by this.  I’m trying not to be – after all, it really could be nothing.  And even if it is cancer, testicular cancer is one of the most treatable and curable forms of cancer.

I’m just not sure I can take care of him if he really is sick.

That’s a horrible thing to say, but there, I’ve said it.  I know the religious folk will say that god never gives you more than you can handle at one time, but seriously?  This is the exact same time of year my dad got diagnosed, I really don’t need this shit right now.

I woke up grumpy and I’m afraid that I’m going to take it out on him today.  Of course it doesn’t help that there was a 10 minute gap in our conversation this morning and when he finally did get back to me he asked if I could make 130 cookies for a cookie exchange they’re doing at his work.

Are you fucking kidding me?

So anyway, I’m not exactly happy this morning.  In fact I’m so upset that I’m shaking, almost bad enough to not be able to type.  I’ve already smoked a cigarette to try to calm myself but it really didn’t help.  I’ve no anti-anxiety pills to take, no one here to talk to yet, and I’m not sure what the day holds in store for me.  I’ve already talked to an upset faculty member about a problem he has (that he caused) that’s taken 2 days to fix.  It should have maybe taken 2 hours, not 2 days.  He isn’t blaming me for it, and I think I handled the situation quite well, but it’s still disconcerting.

It kind of feels like life could potentially start spiraling out of control again and I simply cannot have that.  I need structure and routine and I’m not really going to get any for awhile.  Josh is on the waiting list for a class that starts tonight so he has to go and see if he can get in.  My mom is on a liquid diet to get ready for her surgery next week and as such isn’t cooking anymore, which leaves all of the dinner stuff to me.  (honestly, how fair would it be if I asked someone who can’t really eat to cook meals for me?  no, not going to happen)  Next week I take Mom for her surgery on Wednesday and then on Thursday I have to watch my sister’s kids while her husband has his surgery.  And then on Friday I teach.  Josh starts the class he’s for sure enrolled in on Tuesday.  If he does get into the class he’s on the list for he’ll be going to school Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday again and I think these classes run later into the evening.

Stop the roller coaster, I want to get off.

of past lives and past lovers

Tags

divorce, life, love, mental illness

I don’t talk too overly much about my life before Josh.  There’s plenty to tell, and some if it is over on the book site, but some of it hasn’t been dredged up in awhile.  I’ve got a little to share today.

As y’all know by now, I’ve been married 3 times.  My first marriage is not really worth talking about.  I was way too young and did it for the wrong reasons.  For all I know Mike is dead and buried somewhere and the thought of that doesn’t trouble me one bit.  However, I was with Rob for more than 10 years and I do still think about him.  I actually talked to him today.  That’s why I’m writing this.

I met Rob when I was 21.  I was drinking and partying as often as possible while still trying to maintain good grades in college.  We had a whirlwind love affair and married less than a year later.  I was in the throes of my diseases and no one knew.  He was as good to me as anyone could be, indulging my every whim and covering for me when I royally fucked up.  He took me to the hospital when I was first diagnosed and visited every day, every time I went in while we were together.

After I finally got my shit together, we separated.  I’d done terrible things to him and he wasn’t interested in taking care of me any longer.  We parted as friends.  My world devolved and I ended up back in the hospital with several suicide attempts.  I made a series of terrible life choices.  I finally filed for divorce nearly 2 years after we separated.  We continued to talk off an on.

I met Josh the day before I went to court for the divorce.  Once Josh was in the picture, Rob was out.  I’d have random sporadic contact with him, but nothing like before.  After awhile I stopped trying because it only seemed to frustrate me.

Earlier this year Rob got sick, like deathly sick.  He spent 2 weeks in the hospital and then another 4 months at home recovering.  I didn’t find out any of this until a random post on Facebook from a mutual friend asking how he was doing.  I finally caught up with him today.

Heaven help me, I still love him.

I’ve always known this, but talking to him just proved it.  He was polite and pleasant and had lovely things to say.  I asked him if there was anything I could do for him.  He asked for a new hat.  Rob has always been bald; he shaves what little hair he has.  His head was always cold when we were together so I made him a collection of crocheted beanies.  He’s down to his last one.  So now I have at least 1 more Christmas gift to make.  But it’s the least I can do.

tbd

Tags

bipolar disorder, christmas, crochet, family, knitting, life, love, mental health, mental illness, motivation, work

Yesterday was not too bad.  Work was fairly quiet and I got some things done.  My afternoon appointment turned out really well.  I’m helping a faculty member transition a course from face-to-face to entirely online.  We had a really good discussion about some of the things he really should do and some of the things he should avoid.  I also showed him some features of our LMS that should help him.  I like appointments like that, it makes me feel good to know I’m helping someone.

Today will also be fairly quiet.  One meeting at 10 and then I have to leave at 3 to take Josh to the doctor.  He wants to see about getting testosterone injections to boost his libido and moods.  Not sure what the doc will say, but I guess it’s worth a shot.  Also not sure I really want him any hornier than he already is, but oh well.

He’s acting a little odd, and I’m not sure what’s up.  When I got home last night he had already taken the trash out, made his coffee, made his sandwich, made a pie for dessert, and gotten pills.  The first thing he said after telling me what all he’d done was that he hadn’t fucked up in some way – basically that he wasn’t trying to apologize for something.  He said he just thought I’d like to have a little extra time in my evening.  It was really quite sweet.

We spent some time together, took a shower, and made dinner.  I made two batches of tea – one to drink at work and one for at home tonight.  My uncle is sucking down my tea at an alarming rate.  I found a really nice raspberry herbal at the grocery store and between the two of us it’s all gone already.  It’s not really a big deal I guess, just a little irritating.  At least I haven’t been making my good loose tea for at home, that would really piss me off.

The bunny didn’t get any love last night.  We all sat on the couches in the living room and watched tv together.  I just couldn’t get into crochet mode.  I brought her with me today so that hopefully I can make some progress at lunch.  I need to get my ass in gear or I’m never going to get these done in time.

I did finish that first sock at lunch yesterday.  I didn’t realize I was as far along with the leg as I was.  Now I’m just not sure when I’ll be able to start the other one.  I’ve just got so many things I need to get done before Christmas.  I’ll really need to try to get my weekends in order so that I can be super productive while I’m not at work.  I’ll get a little time next week – my mom is having surgery on Wednesday and I’m taking her.  Should get plenty of time in the waiting room to do stuff.  (it’s nothing serious)

The mood has been holding fairly steady the last few days.  I still have patches of time where I’m a little grumpy, but it doesn’t seem to be getting too bad right now.  I had a hell of a time getting up this morning but I think that was just because it was so cold out and my bed was really nice and warm.  But I did get up and get myself moving and made it here in plenty of time.  And I got the usual morning chores all done.  That always makes me feel good.