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I mentioned yesterday that I was having to take Josh to the doctor to see about his testosterone.  He’s got a decent sex drive, but his stuff doesn’t always work properly and it’s frustrating.  He also doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of energy anymore and he’s kind of depressed.  Low testosterone can cause all of that.

So we went and waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  Fifty minutes after his scheduled appointment time the doctor finally came in.  If this guy wasn’t totally worth it we’d have left.  We spent some time talking about what was going on and then he did an exam.  During the exam he found a lump on one of Josh’s testicles.

This could be nothing, just a mass of veins.  It could be one of those pimple things we get.  It could be cancer.

He has an ultrasound scheduled for Friday afternoon and a blood test scheduled for Saturday morning.  I’m just a tiny bit freaked out by this.  I’m trying not to be – after all, it really could be nothing.  And even if it is cancer, testicular cancer is one of the most treatable and curable forms of cancer.

I’m just not sure I can take care of him if he really is sick.

That’s a horrible thing to say, but there, I’ve said it.  I know the religious folk will say that god never gives you more than you can handle at one time, but seriously?  This is the exact same time of year my dad got diagnosed, I really don’t need this shit right now.

I woke up grumpy and I’m afraid that I’m going to take it out on him today.  Of course it doesn’t help that there was a 10 minute gap in our conversation this morning and when he finally did get back to me he asked if I could make 130 cookies for a cookie exchange they’re doing at his work.

Are you fucking kidding me?

So anyway, I’m not exactly happy this morning.  In fact I’m so upset that I’m shaking, almost bad enough to not be able to type.  I’ve already smoked a cigarette to try to calm myself but it really didn’t help.  I’ve no anti-anxiety pills to take, no one here to talk to yet, and I’m not sure what the day holds in store for me.  I’ve already talked to an upset faculty member about a problem he has (that he caused) that’s taken 2 days to fix.  It should have maybe taken 2 hours, not 2 days.  He isn’t blaming me for it, and I think I handled the situation quite well, but it’s still disconcerting.

It kind of feels like life could potentially start spiraling out of control again and I simply cannot have that.  I need structure and routine and I’m not really going to get any for awhile.  Josh is on the waiting list for a class that starts tonight so he has to go and see if he can get in.  My mom is on a liquid diet to get ready for her surgery next week and as such isn’t cooking anymore, which leaves all of the dinner stuff to me.  (honestly, how fair would it be if I asked someone who can’t really eat to cook meals for me?  no, not going to happen)  Next week I take Mom for her surgery on Wednesday and then on Thursday I have to watch my sister’s kids while her husband has his surgery.  And then on Friday I teach.  Josh starts the class he’s for sure enrolled in on Tuesday.  If he does get into the class he’s on the list for he’ll be going to school Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday again and I think these classes run later into the evening.

Stop the roller coaster, I want to get off.