for the Gem-star

Tags

friends, life, love, mental illness

It’s hard right now, really fucking hard.  Nothing really seems to be working out right and absolutely everything is a struggle.  You don’t know what to do, how to feel, what to say to people…  It sucks.

Somewhere out there is a good cocktail for you, one that will make your symptoms so much better.  It just takes time to find it.  Having the right doc and the right therapist should help, but they can only help as much as you’ll let them.  Be honest with them, brutally honest.  Tell them about every crazy sick thought that disturbs you.  Every detail is important.

It’s hard to fight every day, I know this.  It’s hard constantly feeling like the world would be a better place without you in it.  But I’d miss you terribly, and I know I’m not the only one.  We all love you and need you around.

I don’t have a magic wand we can wave to make ourselves better, but I wish I did.  If I had 3 wishes I’d share with you so that we could both wish to get better.  It just kills me knowing that someone I love is hurting like this.

I also don’t really have any magic words that will make you feel better.  Just know that I really do love you and I’m here for you, any time night or day, for anything.  Reach out to your friends for help, reach out to me.  We get by with a little help from our friends.

I love you sweetie, hang in there.

fun with numbers

Tags

life, love

In an attempt to work with my goal of getting my finances in order I’ve been playing with numbers today.  It’s scary what I’ve found.

I can support myself with just my money.  I make enough to cover all of my bills and still have some extra at the end of the month to play with.  So why am I broke all the time?  Josh.

He does not make enough to cover his bills, not by a long shot.  He certainly doesn’t make enough to support himself.  He’d have to more than double his income to support himself, and even then he’d be pretty damn poor and living in a very crappy place.

Ah yes, the joys of married life…

keep fighting the good fight

Tags

bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, life, mental illness, suicide

What is it that keeps me getting up every fucking morning knowing goddamn good and well that I’ll most likely be struggling for everything?  Why do I keep trying, knowing that it might not ever get any better than it is right now?  WHY?

I’d like to tell you that I have some kind of trick or secret thing that keeps me going, but that would be a lie.  I’d like to say that I have this inexhaustible well of hope that I draw on every day, but that would be a lie.  I’d like to tell you that after more than 20 years of fighting with this shit it gets easier, but that would be a lie.

I fight because that’s the only thing I know how to do.

I’ve attempted suicide 4 times since being diagnosed.  Before that I had some times where I wasn’t necessarily trying to kill myself, but I was engaging in very risky behaviors that could have easily lead to death.  I’ve never managed to get it right, and quite honestly, I doubt I ever would.  There’s obviously some kind of reason I’m still here, I just haven’t figured it out yet.

I fight because it’s the only thing I know how to do.

I don’t have some kind of crystal ball or special powers that let me see into the future to predict what my day will hold.  I roll the dice every morning and sometimes I get lucky.  Sometimes I get completely shit on.  Every single fucking day is a complete gamble.  And every day I take my chances and persevere.

Maybe it’s the knowledge that some days are good.  Every now and then I have a completely normal day that feels good.  I treasure those days.

In my world, things tend to cycle.  Good days follow bad days which follow more good days.  There seem to be things I can do to stack the proverbial deck in my favor to make what could have otherwise been a bad day and make it a better day.  Maybe that’s my secret.

I try very hard to take care of myself, every single day.  I try my best to get good sleep.  I try to eat properly.  I do little things every day to pamper myself.  I try to surround myself with friends who love me and family that genuinely look out for me.  I try to look outwardly normal even if I don’t feel it.  And I try my best to be good to the people who are good to me.

Sounds stupid maybe, but it helps me.

Take your pills when you’re supposed to, eat when you’re hungry, drink plenty of fluids, take a shower every day, put on clean clothes, keep your living space as tidy as necessary to not drive you nuts, keep yourself organized as best you can, say something nice to someone every day, surround yourself with things that make you smile.

And tell yourself that you really are strong enough to do this, because you are.

numb

Tags

bipolar disorder, family, life, love, mental illness, normal

I’m not sure I’ll even be able to write today, but I’ll try.

I feel numb, from the brain down.  I have fleeting glimpses of feelings, but they’re so brief it’s hard to even put a label on them.  I’m guessing this is a normal part of grieving, I just don’t know.  It’s been so long since I lost anyone that I don’t remember what this is like.  I guess that’s good.

The service was terrible.  The pastor was from my sister’s church and he didn’t know my dad at all.  He just kept reading these terrible verses and making this big sheep analogy.  The nicest part was what the Masons did, that was lovely.  The rest of it was just a show, starring my sister.  I don’t really even want to talk about it, I’m just glad that’s over.

I can’t really think very well right now, and it’s frustrating me.  I start thinking about something and then my brain goes in a totally different direction.  I’m at work right now but I’m not sure how much longer I’ll stay.  I managed to arrange a few things for next week and get some emails answered, but I haven’t been able to really tackle anything else.  Not sure how long that will take to come back.

Found out that all of Josh’s tax return is going to back child support, so that completely sucks.  I’m just glad we filed separate, otherwise they’d have taken my money, too.  And we really needed that money.

I think that’s all I can do today.  Not sure how regular I’ll post for awhile, but I’ll be around.

goodbye

Tags

death, family, grief, life, love

You died on a Wednesday.  It was sunny and pleasant for February in Nebraska.  You were alone with your wife.  It was peaceful.  You were 65 years old.

I don’t know how to tell you how much I already miss you, and how much I know I’m going to keep missing you in the days to come.  I know I said everything that I needed to the last time I saw you, it’s just that now it seems like maybe I forgot some stuff.

You were an awesome dad.  I know you never wanted us girls but you did a good job of faking it.  You went to summer camps with us, taught us how to defend ourselves, taught us how to drive, how to swear…  Anything you knew how to do, you’d show us.  I remember sitting at the kitchen table, struggling with math homework, and how patient you were in trying to explain it to me.

I’m crying now.  Feels like I could cry forever.  My doc says this is normal and that it will pass.  Liar.

You and mom were married almost 45 years.  That’s virtually unheard of anymore.  I was the only kid I knew who grew up in a normal family with both parents.  And once we settled in our house, you never moved.  Mom always said she wanted to die in that house, maybe she’ll get her wish.

You always stuck by me.  Even when everyone else gave up on me, you never did.  You were always there when I needed you.  I could not have asked for a better father.

If I could have traded places with you, I would have in a heartbeat.  You didn’t deserve to die, especially not like this.  If there’s something I could do even now to trade places and bring you back, I would happily do it.  If I had thought it would have done any good, I’d have figured out how to make a deal with the devil to trade my soul for yours.  Except I know you won’t have any dealings with the devil.  I don’t know for sure where you are right now, but I know it’s got to be somewhere good.  I hope you’re grandma and your sister, reunited at last.  I hope grandpa isn’t there.

I miss you so much Daddy.

Your memorial service is tonight.  I know I need to go, for the closure and to show respect, but I really don’t want to.  There will be people there I’d rather not deal with.  I know you understand.  I’ll go and do my best to make you proud, it’s what you would want.  But if that bitch ex-wife of Josh’s brings that brat kid to this, I’m gonna let her have it with both barrels.

I promise I’ll do my best to take care of everyone for you.  I’ll make sure that when the petites grow up they know just what a wonderful man their Papa was.  I’ll never forget you Daddy.  I love you.

gone

Tags

family, life

My dad died yesterday morning.  Mom was there with him and the last thing he heard her say was “I love you.”  She said it, he shook his head to acknowledge, then was gone.  I guess you couldn’t really ask for much better than that given the circumstances.

I was at home yesterday when the call came.  This head cold is wreaking havoc.  Josh was home with me.  He got sent home shortly after his shift started because there wasn’t enough work.  I was very thankful that he was there.

I’m handling this better than expected I guess.  I’ve been kind of weepy now and again, but not hysterical.  I did make the mistake of sniffing a bottle of after shave yesterday and that damn near did me in, but I got it back under control.

The funeral service is tomorrow evening.  Not sure if I’ll post tomorrow or when I’ll post again.  Not sure when I’ll be back at work again after today.  It all kind of depends on what my mom needs help with.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know in case I can’t post for a few days.  Things are alright, I’ll be alright.

really?

Tags

life, love

Josh is having a bad day so apparently I’m supposed to have a bad day.  Are you fucking kidding me?

I’m sick, I feel like shit, and I’m completely stressed out.  But I’m supposed to go home and take care of HIM.  He hasn’t said a single fucking thing about what he can do for me or asked me how I’m doing.  I am so fucking sick of this shit that I could scream.

He’s supposed to call me when he gets off work so that I can give him some directions for what to do after work.  I’m planning to tell him to just go home and take care of himself, not worry about me, I’ll just take care of everything when I get home.  I mean really, that’s what I’m supposed to do, right?  Just put all of my needs aside so that he can lounge around and do NOTHING.

Ceiling cat help me, it’s gonna be an interesting night.

argh

Tags

bipolar disorder, family, life, love, mental illness, sleep

The cold still lingers.  Very poor sleep last night because of it.  And also because of Josh.  After I laid down in bed he completely left me alone the rest of the night.  No goodnight kiss or anything.  He was too fucking busy watching stuff on Netflix on his fucking nook.  I’m really sorry I ever let him buy that damn thing.

Because of the lithium I take for the bipolar I’m really limited in what else I can take.  When it comes to colds I’m pretty well fucked.  I can do the old home remedies like chicken noodle soup and hot tea with honey, but that’s about it.  I basically just have to suffer through this shit.  Fortunately I don’t get sick very often.  The last time I had something like this was well over a year ago.  I guess I shouldn’t bitch too much.

I really wish I knew what to do about Josh.  We spend some time together when I get home from work before we have dinner, and that’s awesome.  But it seems like as soon as the kitchen is cleaned up and we settle down to relax for the evening he completely ignores me.  And it’s not like this is an isolated incident – it happens pretty much every night.  Some days I really think he’d be happier if we went back to living separate.  That way he could send me home after I made his dinner and he could spend the rest of the night watching bad tv on the sofa.

I’m really feeling overwhelmed again.  Two weeks ago I was scrounging for work and now I’ve got more things than I can possibly get done in the rest of the week.  I like being busy, don’t get me wrong.  I just kind of feel like I’m not sure where to begin now and it’s frustrating me.  My whiteboard just keeps filling with more things and I don’t seem to be accomplishing as much as I feel like I should.

My dad is still fighting dying.  His kidneys have pretty well shut down and they’re having to put him on a paid med pump to control his pain.  It really shouldn’t have taken this long but for some reason he just won’t go.  My mom is exhausted.  I wish there was more I could do to help.

My mood is particularly shitty today.  I’m really tired from being sick, I’m stressed to the max, and Josh really isn’t doing much to make me feel better.  I’m starting to wonder again if maybe I wouldn’t be better off without him.

another recipe

Tags

recipes

He called, we breathed at each other, I guess it was ok.  *sigh*

I’ve been trying to figure out how to stretch the groceries we have on hand so that we can put off going to the store as long as possible, so I’ve been getting a little creative lately.  Yesterday I found half a bag of frozen cheese tortellini in the freezer.  I love tortellini, Josh not so much.  So I figured I’d cook it up for lunch this week.  There wasn’t enough of it to justify opening a normal size jar of spaghetti sauce so I improvised.  Here’s what I came up with.

Easy Red Sauce

1 can tomato sauce

1/4 C sugar

3 cloves of garlic, minced

2 Tbsp Italian seasoning

Warm the garlic in a small sauce pan until it starts to smell.  Add all other ingredients and allow to simmer at least 30 minutes.  This made enough sauce to nicely coat half a bag of frozen tortellini and make 2 lunches.

sick and tired of being sick and tired

Tags

life, love, sleep

Wow, what an AWESOME weekend!  Now, not so much.

I managed to get 16 of the 20 things on my to do list done yesterday.  That felt terrific.  I was productive, I had energy, Josh and I got along really well…  Just a great weekend.  Until last night.

I started feeling a little icky around dinner time.  I thought maybe I’d just stirred up too much dust with all of my cleaning and organizing.  But as the evening wore on I just kept feeling worse.  By the time I went to bed I was miserable.  It appears that somewhere along the line I picked up a head cold.  Yippee.

I slept very poorly last night, tossing and turning a lot trying to find a position I could breathe in.  When it was time for Josh to get up this morning I was exhausted and wanted no part of him.  He tried pulling the covers off me to wake me up and I very quickly yanked them back up.

I’m at work, slogging through this, but I’m still quite miserable.  I sneeze almost constantly and my nose feels like it’s on fire from being blown so much.  Food doesn’t taste right and worse, neither do cigarettes.

Josh is supposed to call in a few minutes and I really don’t want to talk to him.  Just shoot me now.