picture pages, picture pages…

random banner

It’s Friday and I feel a little funky. In a good way. Like this…

So anyway, now that you’ve had some good music, how about some funny pics. I think this well we’ll delve into my “random” folder and see what we have with the word “fuck.” Yeah…

file me under fA classic

10435935_274093829429432_8998932779962867675_nHow about that Care Bear stare?

zero fucksAww yeah…

fuck youScientifically proven

milk cartonBWAHAHAHAHA!

life_is_too_short_to_give_a_fuck_by_roberlan-d77aa12Indeed it is

2014-06-30 23.28.17That’s right bone-man

10387579_281817861990362_4605080045246788674_nGotta love Betty White

10441463_10153003191066959_7253639716895212692_nAyup

fuckToo bad all my light switches go the other direction

little flower dividerIn case you haven’t ventured out lately, here’s a few things I’d like to update you on.

  • I have joined the Twitter so that I don’t have to harass everyone when I need to spew a little something. My username is MentalMama76 and I think there’s a button over there —-> somewhere so you can follow me. Just be warned – my back-up beeper isn’t working right now.
  • With some help from mommyx4boys, I am going to launch another “challenge.” It will be photo/image based, run for 8 weeks, and have a theme each week. I’m going to do my damndest to get all of the details up this weekend.

 

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um, wow

I don’t really even know what to say. I wrote this morning’s post awhile back, not even clear now on which day. Some time last week. And I don’t even necessarily recall what it was that prompted me to pick that very dark subject. But I guess it just felt right, in my heart. And it was right. I know that now.

You all are by far the most amazing group of human beings I have ever had the pleasure to associate myself with. And I mean that.

I have been moved right to the verge of tears over and over and over again today by the love you’ve shown and the raw emotions. What did I do to deserve to know such phenomenal people?

I have some stuff to share, but it seems so trivial in comparison to saying thank you.

THANK YOU!!!

I did figure out a way to keep from overloading the blog – I finally gave in and setup a Twitter account. The username is MentalMama76 and I’ve got the feed over yonder in the side.

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mental health thursday

mental health bannerI’m going to put a Trigger Warning for Suicide on this one kids.

I’m going to talk some about suicide again and I don’t want to catch anyone off guard. Y’all know me by now – no gore or icky details, but I’d like to speak honestly. I’ve written about this before, and I’ll write about it again, and again, and again until no one ever feels compelled to take their own life.

If you’re fortunate enough to have never felt like taking your life was the only way out, count your blessings. No really, we’ll wait.

begging catYou go say a little prayer of thanks to the higher power of your understanding that you’ve never had to experience the kind of soul searing anguish in your heart that make you honestly believe that never ever breathing again was the best way to remedy the situation.

And then you need to say thank you again, just for good measure.

Feeling actively suicidal was the most unholy feeling I’ve ever experienced. Just think about it – hurting on the inside so fucking bad that you couldn’t see a way to make it stop hurting except to submit to the ultimate hurt.

18916-people-who-die-from-suicide-dont-want-to-end-their-lifeIt’s all about the pain and wanting to end it, but not have the foggiest fucking idea of how to do that. Because some of us awesome people don’t have awesome coping skills. We want to live, we want to be happy again, we want to know the love that people feel for us, but for fuck sake, we need that pain to go away. And we need some help.

tumblr_mqkmucOOO31r7dpgxo1_250That point of giving up, giving in to the pain and the suffering and just wanting to never ever care again – that, my friends, is the dangerous place. That is often the point of no return. That is the point where passively thinking to yourself that you want it to end in vague terms that don’t exactly mean anything changes to making plans, plans like you’d make to meet a friend for drinks. Only these plans aren’t supposed to be the kind you end up making again. And again.

And there are those misguided people who will tell you how cowardly suicide is. Yes, in a way, but no, not really. It depends on why, WHY does your heart hurt like this?

cute,life,love,quote,quotes,suicideisntcowardly-f38ae89790ee356c3fb8bcca2fcd0816_hI cannot even fathom being bullied into suicide. That wasn’t me, never me. I took care of the bullying myself. I was never good enough for ME. Those voices telling me that garbage, trying to poison my soul, those all sounded like my voice. And in that respect, yes, I was being cowardly. I wasn’t willing to fight for the life my mother and father struggled for so many long years to give me. How selfish was that?

imagesBut this is the rub. I would not hurt anymore, but Mom and Josh and my nieces and my friends – the people who love me and value me would hurt so much worse. THAT would be selfish, selfish beyond all measure of the word. The kind of selfish that you carry with you into the afterlife and then with you when you’re born again, as some kind of bottom dwelling, garbage eating fish. Or worse – a politician.

tumblr_mkreb1n7ZR1s6pd60o1_500Correction – I WAS that girl. I would still spend as much time and energy as it required to get someone the necessary help or talk them down, but I’m ok now, my voice says nicer things to me in my head these days. I’ve been okay for more than four years. Four glorious years. But it took hard work, lots and LOTS of it. And it took love, oh so much LOVE.

who wouldn't want to be her? she's adorable! and, just for the record, I really do own more shirts than just this one

the most amazing mommy in the whole world

true love visits you in the psych ward on christmas eve

true love visits you in the psych ward on christmas eve

There are lessons today, kids – pay attention, this shit is important

7102db66d9276a60ec5c011e349414f8

There will be another day – take a chance that it’s going to be better

1251000885872755It will probably be hard again, no, it will almost certainly be hard again – but you can do this, you’ve done it before

die-braveThis might be the truest statement ever written

I’m going to offer this again – if you need help, visit the site or call 1-800-273-8255. You are worth having an amazing life, and if you aren’t here, how can your life be amazing? If you don’t think anyone loves you, you’re wrong.

I LOVE YOU.

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my brain needs to shut off for awhile

Just did a fucking post to get shit out of my brain, but NOOOO, couldn’t pull this nugget out of my ass to add to it, could I? What a fucking ding-ding I am some days…

So at some point recently someone (Rose, was that you?) asked me about what’s in store for the next challenge after the 7 weeks of weird. Is anyone up for another challenge? Bueller? Anyway, I’ve had an idea for something that might be decent and would certainly be a little bit different.

Here’s what I’m thinking -

  • Post once a week again
  • Prompts would all be put up in advance again
  • Fairly short time span again – maybe 8 or 9 weeks this time?
  • This would be based around photos that we would take
  • Theme (if you can call it that) would be loosely based around being happy/things we’re thankful for/shit that makes us smile/etc.

Anyway, if this sounds interesting to anyone, let me know. We wouldn’t start until after the 7 weeks bit is over, so mid September at the earliest, and in reality probably not until October.

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brain blast 7/23/14

brain blastI am apparently entirely incapable of making a simple post without first creating a banner for the fucking thing. Aye…

Anyway, I just have a few things I wanted to fill you in on.

  • Tomorrow is Mental Health post day and I’ve written about suicide again. If you’re not interested, skip tomorrow. If you’re afraid it will trigger you, skip tomorrow. There’s a big ass trigger warning in red right at the top. Of equal importance is that I want y’all to know I’m safe. I didn’t write about suicide because I’m needing help right now; I’m good. I wrote because there are others who need help and can’t ask for it.
  • Gabapentin with Lithium in the early morning is awesome. Gabapentin with lunch makes for a totally whacked out Mama. Gabapentin at 3pm makes for a totally road raged out Mama. So today I’ll try for 1ish and see how it goes. But it works, quite nicely.
  • I got a fuck-ton of stuff done last night. I got more pictures scanned, lots of pictures thrown out that I had no idea why I was keeping, and some maintenance done on the laptop. And while that was going…

2014-07-22 21.14.25A new washcloth started

  • I’ve also been sketching a bit. Yesterday I tried lilac blossoms and then today I tried something a little less realistic.

2014-07-23 12.04.06I really need my colored pencils to finish this, but I think it’s good that I’m keeping up with this pretty regularly

Anyway, life is pretty good right now and I’m liking it that way.

10464116_769487109756662_8310558268691314881_n

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on the 4th week of weirdness Mental Mama gave to me… a lousy routine?

7weirdWhat is the weirdest habit/routine you have?

Hmm, I tend to have a LOT of routines, mostly because routines help those of us who have Bipolar function just a little bit better most of the time. Fewer decisions that have to be made on the fly lessen the likelihood of cognitive overload. Doing the same shit the same way all the time lessens the likelihood of forgetting something important, like taking pills. And in all honesty, routines are efficient. If I’ve taken the time to figure out the best way to do something once, why the fuck should I do that thinking shit all over again?

10411766_822092587809733_5980672222122802442_nReally though, I suppose at the very heart of the matter is the fact that I am…

boring-memeI imagine the “routine” of mine which is maybe most weird is my getting ready for bed routine. (it’s in quotes because it’s kind of long and involved and maybe isn’t as much a routine as just a string of shit I do every fucking night)

evie catFor fuck sake, Mama, get on with it!

It looks a little like this:

  • Turn off the computer and/or tv and phone at 8pm.
  • Take pills, all 11 of them.
  • Get out clothes for the next morning.
  • Get out accessories (shoes and jewelry) for the next morning.
  • Load everything in my backpack that doesn’t require refrigeration.
  • Turn on the fan.
  • Give Evie her thyroid medicine.
  • Pet and/or brush Evie if she’ll let me near her.
  • Talk to Josh.
  • Hopefully pass out shortly after 9pm.

BSFiH7MCYAE4LihIt sucks to be old and mental

As for habits, I have quite a few of those as well.

  • I park my car in only one of two places in the parking garage at work, depending on which building I’m leaving from. If I don’t, I’ll “lose” the car.
  • I always leave my car keys one of two places – in a dish on the table in the entry way, or if the jeep is parked in the garage at home I’ll leave the keys in the cup holder. While I’m at work the keys always go in the top flap pocket of my back pack.
  • I pack my smokes. I was going to try to find a video of this for you, but damn, they all suck. Suffice to say, before you open the pack you beat them on the butt of your palm – filter end only. I rotate mine while doing this. And it must be done 3 times. MUST. Don’t ask why, I have no fucking clue anymore.

10360451_752361218159738_8108200177805790627_n

little flower dividerI find these people routinely weird, maybe you will, too.

If I’ve missed anyone I apologize, just make sure to add your name to the list.

 

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did someone request a little crazy?

cartoon-craziness-challenge-bannerI cheat like a mutha fucking FIEND! I’ve been thinking about my entry for this week’s theme since I let it drop out of my head. Without further ado…

wonder womanShe’s ridiculous. Her boobs are way too big. She’s had an insane amount of collagen in her lips. What in the HELL is wrong with that arm??? I wasn’t smoking crack, I assure you. Honestly, I was just having fun and trying really hard not to use the eraser.

Aww yea…

2014-07-22 17.12.00That was my inspiration. If you get a little drunk and then squint just right, it totally looks like her. Evie is thoroughly unimpressed.

2014-07-22 17.10.57We’d love to have you join us on this adventure. As you can tell, you really don’t have to be able to draw (AT ALL) to do this.

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