nothing

I went home, changed, fixed Josh’s dinner, talked to him for a bit, found out Mom would be late, fixed my own dinner, and died on the couch.  So much for getting anything done.

But this afternoon will be different.  It has to be different.  I pray to the almighty ceiling cat that it’s different.

Because I haven’t had any energy or motivation I haven’t even started the laundry yet.  Normally by this point I’ve run at least 2 loads and the 3rd is in the washer.  None so far.  I haven’t even figured out yet if there are errands to be run tomorrow morning.  I know nothing and I don’t have a plan.  And quite frankly I don’t care.

Ouch.

It’s less than 2 weeks now before I start my class.  I totally have to get my shit together before then.  The routines have to be back in place, the motivation has to come back, my life has to be 100% back on track or this will not work.

I’m a little petrified.

I’ve got an appointment with shrinky-poo next Friday afternoon.  She hasn’t said anything about the blood work we did, so I’m guessing that was all just fine.  So what does that mean?  I just get used to really weird sleep and not a lot of energy?  No thanks.

The moods are great.  Awesome even.  It takes a lot to get me pissed off and I don’t stay that way for very long at all.  When you have no energy, it’s hard to give some of the nothing to an activity that is entirely pointless anyway.  So in that respect, Depakote is wonderful.

But why can’t I get my ass in gear???

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blech

So apparently NO ONE has any motivation today.  That sucks, but it kind of makes me feel better.  Misery loves the company.

What can we do about this kids?  Sounds like for some of us there’s just a fuckload going on and only so much of us going around.  Mine could well still be med sorting.  It’s been suggested that the recent heat and change of seasons might be playing a part.  But what should we do?

My plan, such as it is, is to try to push myself to get a little more than usual done tonight.  I’m going to actually run that load of laundry and try to get it washed, dried, and put away.  I’ve scheduled to leave work tomorrow after I teach (around 11am) and the tentative plan is to go home and keep working on the laundry and chores.  My hope is to have everything done before we have to leave for the wedding Saturday afternoon so that I can spend what’s left of the weekend relaxing.

But is relaxing always enough?  What if you’re spending time relaxing that you really should be spending taking care of those things that really should be taken care of?  Where’s the balance point?

I don’t have any answers this time, I really don’t.  Tell me what you’re thinking and maybe we can all come up with some ideas and suggestions to help each other.  A whole herd of broken brains is bound to be better than a single normal one, right?

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quick poll

Is anyone else out there having a really hard time with motivation right now?  Seems like all I really want to do is eat and watch tv when I get home at night.  Not cool.  How is everyone else doing with that right now?

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men folk

I feel some rant coming on kids, sorry…

I’ve mentioned a few times that I have one dude on my team at work, T.  He pretty well always wears jeans and sneakers anymore, can’t be counted on to always show up for meetings or his shift at the other office, and he’s just pretty flaky.  I’ve been trying to cut him some slack because his mom’s health is in the shitter and he’s taken on responsibility for taking care of her.  Not a pleasant place to be for anyone.  But still, he’s a grown up (in his 60s I think) so he should be able to either handle this or know that he can’t and take the appropriate actions to compensate.

He’s scheduled to teach a class today.  It’s one he’s taught several times before so it shouldn’t be a big deal.  He didn’t pay attention to the registration form and so there’s 15 people signed up.  That’s a few too many for this kind of hands-on session.  So me and another colleague will go assist.  However, the class doesn’t start until 10:30 and he’s already up in the room.  At least we assume that’s where he is – no one has seen him yet.  And he’s scheduled to cover the other office this morning and totally didn’t setup with anyone else to cover that.

I’d really like to just sucker punch him in the junk.

Josh is also back on my nerves, surprise surprise.  He told me last night that he’s done with his one class but is behind in the other, so he thinks maybe he’ll go in on Saturday to work some more.  Now that he’s done with the one, that would free up 2 additional nights next week that I’m already used to him being gone.  Nope, he’d rather go in for the entire morning on Saturday.  Right before we’re supposed to go to his sister’s wedding.  And then get the brat for the rest of the weekend.

He also told me I need to get his homework typed up tonight so that he can turn it in on Saturday.  I haven’t done it yet because I didn’t know he was done with his part.  Plus, I haven’t had the energy to do anything after work except cook dinner and clean up a little from that.  I thought I’d do a load of laundry last night and just couldn’t find it in myself to carry through.  But tonight as soon as I get home from work I’ll start typing.  He can cook his own fucking dinner.

I just don’t understand men and I guess I never have.  They seem almost entirely incapable of taking care of themselves once they’ve had a woman clean up after them a few times.  I realize that when you love someone you do things to make their life easier, but for fuck sake, this is ridiculous.  Josh told me last night that the brakes on the Honda probably need to be looked at but that I’d have to call the mechanic because I know the guy and he doesn’t.  Seriously?  I NEVER drive that car anymore, how am I supposed to tell the mechanic what’s going on???

But we’re gonna have a GREAT weekend.  The school time will be fine, the wedding will be fine, the time with the brat will be fine, and there’ll be plenty of time for us to be together having sex.  RIGHT.  Tell me another of your fabulous lies Josh, I live for them.

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mama has the munchies

It’s well past the time of month when my ovaries should be taunting me.  I had my few days last week of craving chocolate and having my internal thermostat out of whack.  So can anyone explain to me why today I’ve felt like I can’t possibly shove enough food in my pie hole???

I’m craving something, I can feel it.  And whatever it is, it’s not here in my arsenal.  I’ve had crackers and cheese, some cheese sticks, a can of ravioli, fruit snacks, several pieces of candy, a yogurt, pickles, a bag of cheese puffs…  Quite literally a little of everything I could lay my fat little hands on.  And still, I’m wanting more.

Shrinky-poo warned me that Depakote could possibly amp up my appetite.  What she didn’t warn me was that I might graze like a Heifer all fucking day.  And, in all fairness, it’s not just today.  The last several days I’ve been eating more than necessary.  Josh gets home from work usually around 4:15 and I cook dinner for him.  I eat a little something.  Mom gets home around 6 and I cook for her.  I eat a little something more.  If this shit keeps up I’m going to weigh 400 pounds right in time for swim suit season.

Anyone else out there on Depakote have issues with the munchies?  This is turning into a problem I think.

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maybe things will start to look up

Yesterday was a little rough.  I felt terrible physically, I was wound pretty tight about the money situation, the fucking iPod continued to mock me, and then Josh lost out on 4 hours of work.

And then it got better.

We spent time together, just us.  We talked and hung out and just enjoy each others company.  It was kind of like a weekend day, without anyone else.  It was really sort of lovely.

This morning was the usual getting out of bed battle.  These days it’s me who doesn’t want to get up.  I’m just convinced that 5 more minutes of sleep is all I need.  But I got up, we got ready, we went to work.  Within 5 minutes of starting his shift Josh sent me a text.  His boss was trying to get in touch with the temp agency to see if they could go ahead and hire him on permanent so that he can start doing something more skilled.  We still haven’t heard if that’s happened, but he’s moved to the new job.  At lunch he found out that it’s because the lead guy in that area – one step below this boss – specifically asked for Josh.  This is very encouraging.

When my boss arrived this morning she called me into her office first thing.  I was worried that I was in trouble for yesterday, but I played it cool.  She told me she’s getting burned out and she needed to delegate some things so she was going to rely on me to take care of a few issues for her.  Then she thanked me for being so reliable and easy to work with.  Wonderful words to hear at any time, but particularly when you’ve been feeling shitty.

So far the day has been pretty mellow and relaxed.  I’ve already taken care of one of the things she tasked me with this morning and I’m about to start the next.  I’m looking forward to taking Friday afternoon off to spend a little time with Mom.

One of the things Josh mentioned yesterday is that I seem a whole lot more relaxed now that I’m on the Depakote.  And I’d agree.  I don’t feel so uptight all the time.  I still strive to get things done, but I’ve come to realize that I need to make time to relax and just let some things get done tomorrow.  I filled the Rx for the anxiety pills but I haven’t felt like I’ve needed to take any, and I think that right there says a lot.

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but wait, it gets better

That fucking iPod is still mocking me.  I’m remembering now why it never became a favorite toy of mine.

I got the tax stuff taken care of and got a nasty surprise.  It’s not going to be $350 per month, with interest it’s $379 per month.  Seriously?  So I looked over some old bank statements and got an idea of what Josh typically brings home (my check is always exactly the same) and looked at what we generally have to pay out in bills in a given month and just what kind of a gap there is between the two numbers.  IF everything lines up right and IF he gets at least 40 hours every week and IF we don’t have any unexpected bills then we MIGHT break even.

Of course I’ve gone to see the doc twice this last month and I know they’ll charge for both visits.  Josh has been complaining about his teeth again which means another dentist visit is in our future.  Both cars are about due for oil changes (I budget for that, but generally we don’t get out of there with just an oil change, there’s always something else).  And I’ll have to figure out how to pay for my school fees and books as that part isn’t covered under my employee scholarship.

No going out until he starts making more money.  No new clothes or shoes or books or tools or toys.  No taking the brat anywhere or buying anything for her.  No weekend away this summer.  No extra goodies at the grocery store.

No nothing.

The thing that really sucks – if I was on my own, I could afford to live quite comfortably.  I’d only have one car payment, one phone payment, my car insurance would be super cheap, my health insurance would be half what it is now…  I could take trips with my mom and go do the things I wanted to do, like regular pedicures.  I could really take care of myself instead of spending all my time taking care of him and his big ass collection of bills he brought with him.

But wait, it gets better still – he just texted and told me that they’ve run out of top coat and they’re sending his department home at lunch time.  Top coat – for the love of christ, how does a cabinet shop run out of fucking top coat???

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