a brief update that has nothing to do with underwear (or maybe it will)

adventure beginsLife has been… Damn, what’s the word I’m looking for? Wait, maybe it’s not a single word, maybe it’s a phrase. Yes, let’s see…

Unbelievably, undeniably, bat-shit, weird-ass, fucked up and then some, off the chain, ridiculously NOT GOOD

(well maybe a tiny bit good, but not much)

second scan0002That’s me, as a squirrel. I put the finishing touches on a big project I’d been working on over the weekend and she was part of it. Josh drew her and I did the color on the computer after scanning his sketch. This is was an entirely personal project so there was no external pressure, but it was something I really wanted to do and that brought me a ridiculous amount of joy.

I also finished my individual school project, which made me feel quite nice. I’ve got just about everything I can do done for the group project, but that fucking slacker of a partner I have hasn’t done much at all. I’ll be kicking him in the teeth tonight.

So those were the good bits of the last several days, now for the bitching…

combustWe had the brat this weekend. Josh decided to take her out on a few errands to give me time to finish my homework. That was lovely. Saturday night they were both camped out on the bed and got pissy when I told them I was tired and needed to go to sleep. Pretty typical. Josh still hasn’t told her what’s going on and doesn’t seem the least bit inclined to. Whatever.

On Sunday we went to Olive Garden with his dad’s family. That consists of his dad, his step-mom, a half brother and a half sister (both in their early 20s), and an adopted brother and sister – ages 13 and 11. The adopted brother has childhood onset schizophrenia and his meds are nowhere near stable yet. He’s been in several different residential treatment facilities that he keeps getting kicked out of for – wait for it – SENDING THE STAFF TO THE ER. He’s a dangerous little fuck. And the adopted sister has no manners. At one point she had a drinking straw UP HER NOSE and then proceeded to eat cake with it. (yes, the boogery end… did I mention she’s ELEVEN?)

No, I swear to all that is holy I am NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP.

So, the plan before we got there was to go back to his dad’s house after dinner for dessert. However, they told the waiter it was Josh’s birthday and the poor bastard got a cake with candles and singing, which is really quite a harsh thing to do to a man who hates his own birthday. Plus, the Seroquel kicked in with a vengeance and he was fading fast. The brat had said something about wanting to go to their house to play with her “aunt” (the 11 year old adopted sister with the straw up her nose) but when we went to leave couldn’t be bothered to open her fucking mouth and say anything about it.

So we took her home where allegedly she proceeded to cry uncontrollably. She’s 11. She lives less than 15 minutes from them and could go over there any time. But Josh is a total fucking bastard for being so mean to her, according to his delightful ex wife. So what’s he do?

That sonofabitch apologized to his ex. Not to his kid, but to his ex. My opinion is that he didn’t owe either of them an apology, but what the fuck do I know.

But wait, it keeps getting better…

get-on-the-squirrel-theres-no-time-to-explainI’m up for a new computer at work this year, it’s finally my turn. This boat anchor is the one I’ve had since I started this position back in 2007. We’ve replaced the hard drive once already. I’m pretty sure it’s about to shit on me again. I’ve done every single diagnostic thing I know to do to the fucking thing. My boss finally got in touch with the guy who does the ordering and told him that I need something NOW. But this means I haven’t been able to do much of anything for the last 3 days.

So yeah, welcome to my little corner of hell…

straight jacketThe good news is, Josh and I are getting along pretty well. Well, since I yelled at him Sunday night anyway. But that totally counts.

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off the grid

Feels like pretty well every time I’ve opened my mouth today it’s been to pull my foot out. Things I’ve tried to say to be supportive and helpful just haven’t come across as I’ve intended and all it’s done is make me feel worse. None of us needs that.

So I’m going off the grid for awhile. I won’t be posting, and certainly not commenting, until I feel like I have adequate time to think about what I’m saying before I just blurt stuff out. Things are really rather ridiculously busy these days anyway, and feeling stressed out about writing here or finding time to read every single one of y’all’s posts and leaving decent comments is just entirely counterproductive to seeing this whole blogging thing as being therapeutic.

Don’t settle for “good,” insist on “amazing.”

My life isn’t anywhere near amazing just yet and I’m tired of settling. I’m off to get some work done. Catch ya later.

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let’s go, let’s go, LET’S GO!!!

psychology_squirrel_by_intellectualdeviant-d4no1mmIndeed my little friend, indeed.

Tuesday, ah yes, what an amazing day. I couldn’t get myself sorted well enough to think straight, but I managed. I pulled off my appointments just fine, learned that the gal I’ve been helping on Tuesday afternoons also has a mental health Dx (and had NO CLUE that I did), and all of my work day interactions with Josh were pleasant. We’d made a “date” for when I got home (code for sexy time) and I was really looking forward to it for the first time in quite awhile.

meowAnd then I left work, and it was more like…

Straight_Jacket_by_densetsu2501I don’t know what the fuck the deal is, but traffic was utterly ridiculous. By the time I made it home I was ready to kill someone. I was hungry and a little tired and just ready to be done with the human race.

But there was Josh, smiling when I walked in. He was relaxed – not uptight like he normally is. He gave me a hug, asked about my day, helped me get a snack. He told me he had felt good all day and like he still had some energy. That was huge. Usually by the time he gets done with work he’s spent. Yesterday he said he felt a little younger, a little more energetic, just a little better all around.

And then…

fireworksAWW YEA

We had a pleasant evening together, made dinner together, and talked some more before bed. This morning we woke up together, had a few pleasant moments before we left, and things are going good. Gotta say, totally loving this Adderall stuff.

Tonight is class for me. My cow-orker did help me get my web sites fixed (I think I mentioned this?) so that’s good, tonight I should be able to do some final finessing and get everything pretty well ready to roll. There are some other assignments, minor things, that need to be done yet and a big ass paper to write. I’m trying to figure out when I’m going to find time to get that mess done.

Deep_in_thoughtYes, this really is what I look like when I’m pondering something. Particularly the part where there are no pants involved.

And, in other terribly exciting news, I’ll be moving my blog to a new server and it’s own name (the same name, but no “wordpress” business in there) AND I’m going to setup my very own personal/professional website. The very lovely and overly generous Wendy is helping me with this adventure. I’m even going to drag Josh into the mix. I told him I’d be recruiting him to help with some of the graphics. We’ll see how this goes.

460720001_a38d5cd367_oY’all can get my bed ready on the psych ward, just in case…

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when last we saw our heroine…

It never ceases to amaze me how much different my life can be if I just let 24 hours pass.

Pretty well immediately after I hit the “publish” button I got a call from K again. Their dad was in worse shape than they thought, he was being taken directly to the cath lab for a suspected blockage. Josh then sent a text saying he thought he should go to the hospital. I told him I thought that was a good idea. He then asked me if I could leave work to go with him.

This is where I pause to explain that this is a first. Usually I would offer to go with him for something like this. But he asked me. I had no intention of offering, but I don’t know if he knew that.

Progress, ah yes…

So we went. They live across the river in the city the kid lives in and the two hospitals over there are damn near as far on the other side from us as she is. And I’d never been in that hospital (or the other one for that matter) AND it was under construction for remodeling. Fortunately we ran into a very nice nurse who got us to where we needed to be.

Anyway, yes, his dad had two arteries 100% blocked. They put a stint in one of them but they’re waiting to do the other (can anyone explain that to me?) and the doc said it looks like they caught this soon enough that there won’t be any permanent damage to his heart. Which is really good. He’s only 62 years old.

They’re keeping him in ICU for the next few days for monitoring and then he’ll go home. By the time we left we were all talking about getting together Saturday night to celebrate Josh’s birthday since we’ll have the kid again. We weren’t able to leave early enough for me to make it to my therapy appointment, but Josh made it to his psych appointment.

His doc is keeping him on the Seroquel and she added 2 5mg doses of Adderall during the day. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I have to trust her. I think what’s scaring me is the damn pill bottle says “amphetamine salts” and the refills have to be written by hand, come from a scheduled visit, can’t be done early, etc. Which is fine, but man, that just sounds scary.

All the time spent in the car yesterday driving all over hell’s half acre gave us plenty of time to talk. He finally told me that he resents his dad for bringing him into this world. That was after I told him that I’m starting to really resent him and everything I have to do to keep him between the lines. We did seem to finally get some things out in the open and it was positive. There seems to maybe be more of an understanding between us now. I hope so.

At any rate, I’m doing alright this morning. My calendar is not ridiculous looking, which should help. I just need to find my mojo and start powering through the things I wasn’t here to do yesterday.

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how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood

This isn’t at all funny, but I just don’t know how to “do” life and not be funny I guess. I got a call from Josh’s sister about half an hour ago. A call from her is always bad. Always.

Their dad is in the ER. He’s had a heart attack, the doc thinks just a mild one. But still.

No clue what the next few days look like. Josh is not close to his family at all. His parents divorced when he was pretty young and then his dad remarried and had another family with his new wife. I don’t think Josh has ever forgiven him for that.

I like his folks well enough, they’ve always been nice to me, but they’re not my people. So I’m kind of sad, but I don’t really know what I’m supposed to feel. Josh is either legitimately not phased by this – all he’s bothered to say is “well, hope he’s ok” – or he’s not in the mood to talk.

And I guess it doesn’t matter. All he’s going to accomplish is making it so that no one wants to love him.

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more? really?

happy-squirelIf only it was that easy to be chipper and happy on a Monday morning. What I was unable to tell y’all about yesterday was the situation with Josh – because he was sitting virtually in my lap while I was trying to work. The saga begins thusly…

Saturday night, while cleaning out the fridge, Mom and I found some tiny bottles of wine she’d picked up awhile ago. She and Josh each had one. I’m not a big wine drinker so I passed. We all watched the movie and were all sleepy by the time it was over, around 10. I took my pills and was sleeping shortly thereafter. What I didn’t know was that Josh – who had already taken 150mg of Seroquel – also took 20mg of Ambien. With the wine.

That bastard didn’t get up yesterday until 12:30. It was well and truly all downhill from there.

I kept trying to get things done and he kept pouting (I have no clue about what) and acting like he had no idea what he was doing. For fuck sake, I make a to do list every week. It’s always in the same notebook. I always leave it open on my desk. I cross off the stuff I’ve done as I do it. My handwriting isn’t great, but it’s passable.

HE FUCKING KNOWS ALL OF THIS and yet yesterday we were evidently in some kind of Twilight Zone episode where nothing is at it appears.

weed squirrelI am SO not ready to deal with this shit today.

I did finally get one of my cow-orkers to show me how to fix my website problem. It was something I had kind of suspected might be wrong, but I didn’t know enough to feel comfortable fucking with it. So now that’s good and I figured out how to take that fix and apply it to my group thing and now that’s good. I still have plenty of shit to do, but now I can move forward instead of just beating my head against the wall. YAY!

Anyway, I’ve been at work since 6am. Josh and I never did really get anything worked out last night and so I slept like shit last night. When I did manage to drift off I would have very vivid dreams about all of the bullshit that’s been bothering me. At 5 I finally gave up and got ready for work. I’ve got plenty here to keep myself busy with.

Josh and I have had a very brief communication via text this morning and it’s not going any better than it did last night. But that’s fine. I’ve got therapy this afternoon and I am totally looking forward to it.

T-bone told me that the last time I saw him that the feelings I describe as having are what he’d consider “resentment” and it doesn’t usually take too long to move from “resentment” to “hate.” Yup, I can see that. And I’m starting to feel it. The scary part is that I can see those feelings building to the point where I can’t control them.

girlsinprisonI am entirely too cute to fare well in prison.

I’m going to see how much of my ever growing to do lists here I can get done today. I need to be productive, it’s one of the surest ways to get my brain back on track. I’ll try to pop in after my appointment if I can. Y’all have a swell day.


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intellectual is highly over-rated

944110_486661204738323_139939597_nNot really, but that’s how it’s felt.

Between when I posted yesterday and now I’ve been a busy kid. The brisket was very tender, and the flavor wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t quite what I was going for. We decided that the idea is sound, but it needs some work. And fortunately there’s another hunk o meat in the freezer I can work with. After dinner we all plopped on the sofas and watched Jack the Giant Slayer. Excellent flick. I managed to stay awake until almost 11 last night.

cat tongue

Today Mom and I have cleaned out the pantry, the cupboards where the spices and such live, the fridge and freezer upstairs, fixed a problem on her computer, and cleaned out one of her desk drawers. I have also gotten almost all the laundry done (the bedspread is in the dryer, whoo hoo!), both bathrooms are clean, the kitty toilet got emptied, and I attempted some homework. I say attempted because I am STILL banging my head against the wall with these fucking web pages.

teachersI’ve enlisted the help of a cow-orker who just happened to be on FB this afternoon and saw the ridiculous screen shot I put up.

dwfuckedIn case you can’t tell, that’s supposed to be a list. You know…

  • I am item one.
  • I am item two.
  • We stay in an orderly line.

That shit is some kind of alternate universe herringbone nonsense. NOT COOL, DREAMWEAVER.

The damn prof teaching this class actually admitted to me that she really probably doesn’t know enough about this stuff to be teaching it, but she likes it, and no one else is qualified either.

huhDon’t ask me to explain it, it makes no damn sense to me either. And, lucky me, she’ll be teaching the next two classes I’m taking. But then I’m done with her. Come spring of next year I’ll have moved on to the Advanced Writing portion of this adventure. We shall not let it bother us.

life_is_too_short_to_give_a_fuck_by_roberlan-d77aa12And now for some gratuitous pussy shots… (of Evie and Sissy, the cats… perverts)

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