Tags
bipolar disorder, life, limits, love, meds, mental health, mental illness, money, moods, sleep, stress, the world is full of fucking idiots, work
As yes, the power of the brain dump…
So I’ve been thinking since I posted earlier and I’ve come to realize some things which are probably important.
- I have zero control over Josh, his actions, and how he’s going to treat me. What I can control is how I react to those things.
- I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in going on a week now. Not enough sleep nearly always leads to hypomania for me. Not good. And the sleep situation – which is entirely being brought on by stress – isn’t going to get better any time soon.
- I need to take a little time to prioritize what’s going on right now and give attention to the important things and push off the not important things. Josh is very quickly becoming a “not important” thing.
- Being in school and having homework is making me feel good about myself again in ways I had forgotten about. Yes it’s contributing to the stress, but this strikes me as “good” stress.
- I really need to look at the total picture of my life and see if there are things I should be reaching out and asking for help with.
I tried telling Josh a bit ago that my problem right now is the lack of sleep. I asked him what his problem is. He says nothing. Ok, it’s obviously all in my head. Let’s move on; you’re really almost entirely not important anymore you fucking douche bag.
I’ve just put in a call to shrinky-poo to get her advice on a proper way to address the sleep issue. I’m not thinking it’s going to involve a change to the prescription meds, but might involve more Melatonin or perhaps tossing in a Benadryl. I don’t really have time to exercise on a regular basis anymore and I can’t really control when I get home from school. I’ll see what all she has to say.
The thing that’s really frustrating me right now is that things between Josh and I had gotten to a very nice place and actually stayed there for awhile. We were communicating, not just talking at each other. We were enjoying time together. He was helping without bitching and without being asked. He was really pretty well behaving like a husband, or at least closer to what I would consider a husband than he ever really has. And now, in the span of maybe 10 days, that’s all vanished.
In all fairness, I’m not behaving quite the same right now either. There’s a lot of stress on both of us, but it feels to me like a greater portion of it falls on me. I’m also not (allegedly) as well equipped to deal with this kind of “life stress” as he is given my mental health diagnoses. All I can say is that I’m doing my best and I know I’m not providing the same level of “service” (if you will) to anyone right now, and that includes at my job. No one is getting the “best” of Mama and that really does kind of kill me inside.
Why is it that I know in my heart of hearts that I could very competently deal with a single piece of this fucked up stress puzzle at a time, but when I have to have all of the pieces spread out in front of me it’s just 100% entirely too much to handle?
Mental in the Midwest 
Be careful with the melatonin. If you take enough of it, it can reduce your own body’s ability to make it. Once in a while is fine though.
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Shrinky-poo has me taking one 5mg pill per evening. If I’m remembering right – and that’s always up for debate – I think she’s told me that if I wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble getting back to sleep I can take one more. I’m going to ask her when she calls. Of course she’s already tried calling once – at the same time I was off having a pee. Figures.
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Of course.
I’ve tried every sleep aid there is. They all lose their effectiveness after a while. When I’m having a bad “spell,” which I’ve had in since daylight saving’s time, nothing really seems to work anyway. I wish you pleasant dreams or just dreams at all. 🙂
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Funny, but dreams are probably part of the problem. When I woke up Sunday morning it was because I was dreaming that Josh had been hauled off to jail in handcuffs for not paying these taxes. This morning I woke up after dreaming about my second husband and how wonderful it would be to get back to him. So even when I am sleeping, it’s pretty far from restful.
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I hate waking up from a dream all panicky and then not being able to sleep again. It’s like your brain is working against you. I wish you luck. Insomnia is serious business.
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you are on the right track, with self reflection, beginning to take care of and look out for yourself, and understanding that the only thing you have any real control over is your reaction to people, not them and what they do or don’t do. it is all your choice, best, beth
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I have often said that life is really just the result of the choices we’ve made. I will freely admit that I don’t always make the best choices, but I try. And when I don’t, I make an effort to learn from the outcome and do better next time.
Thanks for reading. 🙂
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