Tags
anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, divorce, life, limits, love, mental health, mental illness, stress
I honestly don’t remember the last time I was this sad, it’s terrible. The entire morning has been nothing but one big fight. Now Josh’s phone has either finally died or he’s ignoring me. I don’t so much care which. All I really want is for this day to be over. No, all I really want is for this marriage to be over.
He constantly claims he loves me, yet his actions say otherwise. He’s always hurting me, constantly. His words, his actions, the carelessness and thoughlessness – it’s just too much. I can’t do it anymore.
I’m having a serious debate with myself about whether or not to answer the phone IF he calls at lunch. He said something this morning about the phone acting up and that he might not even be able to. Do I really even have anything left to say to him?
He’s not worth killing myself over, I know this. And these feelings will pass, I know this too. I just don’t know how much longer I can go on suffering like this. At best, it’s 40 minutes until he tries to call. At worst, it’ll be close to 5:30 before I get home tonight. And then what? More bandaids on broken arms, that’s what.
I just want this to be OVER, one way or the other. OVER. I can’t do this anymore. I’m damn near in tears sitting in my office. I’ve got things that really need to get done today and here I sit, an emotional fucking wreck because he changed the routine on me this morning. He changed the fucking routine and I can’t fucking cope.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???
This should be NOTHING and yet right now it’s EVERYTHING. I’m sweating, I’m shaking, I can’t fucking think straight – I’m an absolute fucking wreck because he changed a routine. A routine. One fucking thing he changes and I go all batshit crazy.
I can’t wait for his lunch break. I’ll be completely crazy by then. Shrinky-poo hasn’t called me back yet either and that’s just adding fuel to my sicko fire. I want to go home and just lie down in a quite room but I can’t. I’ve got to stay here like a big girl and fucking deal with this shit.
I CAN’T DO THIS TODAY!!!
Mental in the Midwest 
It’s really hard to deal with at work. Can you slip out early?
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Not today. I’ve got a meeting at 2 and another from 3 – 4:30 and I really need to be there for both. I’m just completely twisted inside and this should be nothing. Why couldn’t I let it just be nothing???
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Sometimes these things are just outside of our control. I do the same when the rest of me is overwhelmed with life I find I can’t take ANY more…not a drop, without overflowing. At that point, anything can set me off.
I *hate* having meetings when I’m feeling so exposed. I wish I could cover for you…
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The meetings might be what save the rest of the day. The one is more of a commercial I have to give for a service we provide, so I’ll be center stage which I usually thrive on. The other I really wish I didn’t have to go to as I’m fairly sure I’ll just sit there and watch the clock the entire time.
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*hugs* At least the first will keep you busy and leave less time to think. (that’s what helps me anyway). Wishing time would speed up for you.
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There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are a caring loving person, who is venting frustration the same as anyone would.
I can only advise yeah?
Be strong, think right, know what YOU! want out of this.
And speak from the Heart. If you listen to your head, you will say or do the wrong things.
What does your heart tell you?
Decide what it is telling you, and act on that.
Be strong. Don’t put up with shit, if you think this is what is happening.
If you need a chat, or shoulder or an ear, you now have my email ok.
I am a happily married man, I just give a shit about people, that is the god’s honest truth. If you have Skype, my contact is on my main page.
I am here if you need to chat, really. This is why I blog and why I love this place. SO MANY have helped me, so this is a “Help” place.
You vented. Now you need to be strong, you know you can be.
As you were strong enough to share this and write the blog.
So you have proven you are brave.
I am here if you need to talk.
I hope you are ok.
Shaun, (I am from Scotland)
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Thank you Shaun. Twenty minutes to go. I keep telling myself if I can just make it til the phone call I’ll be alright. I just really fucking hope he calls. If he doesn’t, that’ll be it. He knows how upset I am and he knows how important that call is. It all hinges on that right now.
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I know, I can feel your thinking from here (If you understand) Take it as it comes and deal with it has it happens. You can’t do anything about it this second, it is out of your hands. So (And I know its hard) Try and listen to music and take your mind off it.
Easier said than done, I know.
Let me know how it goes please?
Shaun
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I’ll post another update in a bit. I just smoked a cigarette to try and clear my mind a bit. Sometimes the change in scenery helps. I feel much more calm now, but I’m pretty sure it’s one of those “eye of the hurricane” kind of calms.
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Yeah been there.lol
Best wait and see. Don’t get yourself worked up.
Having a smoke will help. I still say put on Music.
I listen to this when I am “all over the shop”
Love the song and Lyrics..Music heals us..x
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Billy Joel is always good. I actually have his 2-disc greatest hits set loaded on my computer. I did listen to some music – Mumford & Sons – and it helped. Music usually does help me get through these rough patches.
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